Woot!!

Digital confirmation....nothing like seeing that word pop up!!!

FRER's from yesterday and today to compare. Getting darker!!!! And I bought another couple for the next couple of days....LOL

9DPO/Day of scheduled massage

Ok, this is a late entry, but hey: better late than never, right?

So, here's the play by play. I wake up at 3am and PIAC and go back to bed. I hear Vince get up at 5:17 to get ready for work. I ignore him and roll over because I can't pee again yet. I sleep and dream and dream and sleep until 9:30 when I fight with myself to get up because I really don't feel like. I don't need to get up and take a shower until like 11. I get up and realize I feel kinda crappy like I'm getting sick. Ugh. I should have stayed in bed. So, once again I PIAC for good measure since I don't have actual FMU. So, now I have 2 cups full of pee and two HPTs. So, I dip the early-preg-test.com one in one of the cups and use the dropper thingy for the $tree test. I don't pay much attention to which I dip in where because I know it's not going to be positive. I feel like I have in previous months...well, maybe a tad different, but still nothing really screams YOU'RE PG at me...so I got about my business of emptying out the cups and getting rid of them. I get my phone and look at a few things...and then I glance at the tests. I don't believe my eyes...is that a line? I look at it by the window using sunlight...I put my glasses on...I look again in the bathroom under the light...I put my contacts in...I start to panic. SERIOUSLY? 9DPO? OMG OMG OMG. So, I call Vince freaking out and tell him I think I see a line, what should I do? He suggests I take the test to my moms and see if she can see it since I said she would be the only one I would tell this time around until the u/s. All of this because I decided I wouldn't go for the massage if it was positive...I had my reasons. I text a few of my BFPBs that I know are already awake for work yelling in my message...lol.

So, I hurry up and get dressed...I didn't even brush my teeth! I call my mom and give her fair warning that I need her to look at something and I'm on my way. So, I run in and ask where everyone is since I don't want anyone else to know. Pop was in the kitchen and Gram and Daddy were still upstairs. So, I show her. She sees something, but am I sure that means something? YES I'M SURE!!! haha. So, I continue to freak out. I call my friend and tell her no massages...she says its ok cause she's broke anyway. We went to lunch instead with my mom, niece and nephew. Always a good time.

When I got home, the $tree test dried very nicely and I could get a pic of the test so I sent it to my BFPBs who confirmed there was a line!! Woot!

So, fast forward to this morning, 10DPO and I wake up as soon as the sun is shining in at 6:30! I decide to use an FRER, a $tree test and an early-preg-tests.com test. The FRER is much darker than the others. The $tree test is pretty easy to see...but the early-preg-test is still extremely faint. I thought they were supposed to all be the same sensitivity, but maybe not.

My symptoms for anyone who's interested: my boobs are not really what I would say is sore...they kinda feel like they feel when I'm really cold. Firm and like my nipples are hard, but they aren't. Pretty strange. They also hurt when I woke up the other day after laying on them all night. I was waking up in the middle of the night to pee for a couple nights...maybe starting at 7DPO, but I didn't think anything of it. I have tiny little cramps, but I usually get that every cycle.

Things we did differently this cycle: we didn't have a sex marathon. I didn't temp, therefore decreasing stress and helping me sleep better. I didn't do everything based on IF I was PG like in previous cycles...I just lived my life. I did some different religious things, including attending a Novena at Saint Rita's who is known to help impossible or difficult situations. I think that's about it. I'm so tired right now I'm not even sure any of this makes sense.

Hopefully I'll have a digital pic to post tomorrow!!!

Here's the pics:

9DPO

10DPO $tree

FRER 10DPO

Testing...

So, I'll be testing early this cycle. 9DPO to be exact. I have a massage scheduled for Friday which will be 9DPO...so I will test when I wake up and if the test is negative (which I'm guessing it will be) I'll be off to get my massage. If it's positive, I'll be calling to tell Clea I can't go. So, we'll see what happens. I'm hoping this decision is the right one. So far I'm not having any strong phantom symptoms. Just the same old symptoms I get every cycle, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I'm trying to prep myself for the BFN so I don't get so down. I have to stop getting so down each month. Not temping was the best thing for me this cycle. I've been sleeping MUCH better, so I think I'll take next month off, too. And, so that's that.

Memorial day was a lot of fun. We got the kids a pirate ship pool for the backyard and they had SO much fun. Amanda thought being in water outside had to be the coolest thing EVER. And Giovanni is such a boy...rough and tough! Here's some pics:

so much for the plan...

Whatever happened with my last cycle, my ovary decided to stay true to the 19 day O rule, which made me O early this cycle. Does that make sense? I O'd late last cycle, but this cycle I O'd as if I O'd on time last cycle...sorry if I'm not making sense. Sometimes that happens...haha. But that screwed up my "plan" because until I started getting O pains and fertile CM I didn't think it would happen that way. So, we screwed up the same exact sex pattern as the BFP cycle. Figures.

Everyone has a kid...or one on the way...

We had a friend's daughters 1st bday party today and since I got called off work, I could go. Well, hindsight would tell you that I would have been better off going to work. Vince's friend and his wife that we're good friends with meet us at our house and follow us there. I knew it was going to be hard. We found out that we were pregnant at the same time, but of course she's still pg and I'm not. It was rather difficult to see her although I'm very happy for them. So, then we get to the party and there's a bunch of kids running around. All of Vince's co-workers have kids, except for the ones that are PG. I was surrounded by kids...and of course all the women kept asking J how she felt...and all that. When one of them asked her what her biggest PG complaint so far was I had to get up and walk away. I was so upset the whole time I couldn't even eat. There was tons of food and I ate nothing but a few pretzels that were on the table and a small piece of cake. Which, if you know me, I don't pass up food. I had to keep from crying quite a few times. I didn't sleep good last night and I'm still spotting which probably has my emotions a little wacky. Ugh. Vince has been super nice since we left so I'm sure he knows I'm dying inside, but I won't say anything. I'm trying, what can I say?

Some stuff...

First of all a few days ago Mammy and I were out doing some stuff. She noticed my mood is different and is picking up on the fact that I'm kinda upset and down about not being pregnant. Thanks to my m/c EVERYONE knows we're TTC and I think anyone that willingly tells their families are NUTS. So, she offers me this advice: Lose weight. She says the 10 pounds I put on since my wedding and then the other 10 since the m/c could be keeping me from getting pg. She knows some women that just lost a few pounds and got pg. Now, she says she's not saying I'm fat...just that a few pounds could help me conceive. Thanks Mom.

Anyway, I've been chugging along waiting to O which seems to take FOREVER these days. So, I'm trying to keep to "the plan" so we had sex today. Well, that's when I discovered I'm bleeding. Great. Just great. It's more than spotting...and bright red. I'm guessing it was a cyst, but I don't know. The weird thing is, since I started charting, I've spotting almost every cycle around the same day, CD 12, 13 or 14. What do you make of that? I'm going to call my GYN on Monday and see if there's something we should look into. I don't know if it's good or bad...but I did spot the cycle I got KU...but then obviously I m/c'd so I'm not sure what to make of that.

We went to a family party today for my little cousin's bdays and my Aunt kissed me hello and then told me my face "looks different" so I told her I'm not PG, just a little fatter. She said, no you're not fatter...it's something else. Well, I don't know.

What's my temp?

I don't know. And I won't know. Hopefully for a long, long time. I stopped temping....I decided after finally sleeping thru the night for a few nights while AF was here that I need a break. Even Vince asked me to stop this cycle knowing I haven't been sleeping well and it kinda stresses me out. Now, I know that not temping towards the end of my cycle is going to have me stressing out, too...but hopefully I'll be ok.

So, the official plan for this cycle is as follows:

1. NO temping.
2. Keep track of CM
3. Start OPKs and Mucinex on CD16
4. Start sexing it up on CD16
5. Pray

So, that's it. We'll see what happens...hopefully my stress level won't be too high this cycle. Last cycle it was way too high and I was a mess. I definitely can't keep doing that month after a month. So, I wasn't a mother for mother's day, but I pray to God I can make Vince a Daddy for Father's day.

Pity Party.

I feel like a total failure. I'm well aware that getting pregnant is nothing I can control, per se, but nonetheless, I'm beating myself up. I looked at Vince this morning while he was putting gel in his hair and thought to myself, "As usual, men have it easy. He puts in the "baby batter" and I'm supposed to bake the cake....I'm such a failure." Now, I know he doesn't think this. Not one bit. And deep down, I don't believe it...but it doesn't prevent me from thinking it. I wish I could be more like Vince right now. He's not worried about having a baby. He doesn't let it take over his life. My life = baby, or lack there of, 24/7.

When I started charting...I was excited. When my body did what it was supposed to and my chart looked awesome with a clear shift I couldn't be more thrilled. Not ovulating was a big fear of mine. I was only off bcp one cycle before I started charted. The first month charting I honestly wasn't sure what I was doing. I was sleeping good, waking up, taking my temp and watching my chart shape up in something I would just stare at in amazement. The second cycle, I had a game plan. I totally carried it out and it was exhilarating when I got a BFP. Wow! Within a couple weeks my excitement turned to complete and utter disappointment. Everything had failed me. I was so excited I never even considered the possibility of a m/c. And then it was happening to me. There it was on MY chart...the ugliest words ever written MISSED ABORTION and D&E. Now every time I'm asked if I was ever PG before, I must say yes and remember that horrible time in our lives.

Now, I don't sleep well. I don't know if it's related to a medication that I stopped taking since we're TTC or if I'm too anxious about taking my temp or just totally stressed out by the whole TTC process. But, I'm getting annoyed. I'm exhausted, which sure doesn't help my mood and/or enegery. I'm happiest in the 2ww when I'm convincing myself I'm KU. I'm such an idiot. I keep my hopes so high that I fall so hard. I try telling myself that I'm totally not KU so then I expect the BFNs and AF so I don't get so disappointed...but I'm such a dreamer so of course that doesn't work. Then of course when AF shows up, my hormones are going crazy which really sucks and makes things extremely worse. I mean what could be worse right after getting the news that you're not pregnant...surely not AF. Blah.

Although mostly everyone IRL knows that we're TTC now since the m/c, I can't really talk to anyone about it. I'm not sure anyone that hasn't actively tried to get PG really would understand. I don't think anyone who hasn't been PG really understands the devastation of a m/c.

OMG I just realized that I'm totally rambling. Well, anyway, AF showed today and I'm really bummed. I'm better at work; when I'm there, I don't cry. I'm moving onto cycle 7. I'm not sure what my plan is going to be for this cycle. I haven't decided if I should temp or not. Temping may be causing me not to sleep, therefore adding stress. Not temping may lead to not knowing what's going on and therefore add stress. So, I have some serious thinking to do. It seems like I keep watching everyone on GP get PG and I feel very left behind.

Well, thanks for coming to my pity party. I seriously hope you didn't just torture yourself reading all that crap. Give me a few days and I'll be ok. I hope. Or at least until the end of next cycle and another BFN.

Implantation cramps?

So now that AF hasn't shown...I'm pretty positive FF has my O date wrong. By a few days nonetheless...so more waiting. My favorite! ha. I feel as if our timing isn't that great now that I O'd later than I thought. And I wasted so many HPTs, too. So, I had to order more this morning. Thank God for early-pregnancy-tests.com!

Anyway, I've been having cramping for a few days now...but as of yesterday and today I keep getting sharp pains on my right side. Very much like O pains but a tad bit lower. Implantation cramps? Who knows. It's really hard not to analyze everything still. I'm trying not to be too optimistic. I really don't wanna have a breakdown yet again. I'll probably continue to test everyday til AF shows because I have absolutely no will power. If I resist testing in the morning...I just drive myself crazy all day moping around wishing I had. So, that's what's new with me.

I'm going to take a shower and get ready to go to a friend's bday get together. Pizza + cake + family/friends = a very happy girl!!!

Update on my torturous life.

No, I didn't test today. What's the point? I can't handle another BFN so I won't be testing. Just waiting for AF. Last month she came late in the day...so we'll give her some time to show. My temp did go down today even if it's not accurate (I took it at the wrong time, after not sleeping well all night).

My body still feels the need to mess with my head. I woke up around 2:30am with terrible heartburn and dying of thirst. I actually made Vince get up to get me some water. I ate pepperoni pizza last night for dinner, which may have triggered both of these things...BUT I drank plenty after I ate the pizza and I took my Aciphex last night. We have pepperoni pizza for dinner a lot and THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE. So, WTF? I'm telling you someone or something is messing with me and it's totally not funny. It's getting ridonculous! The BFN is enough to deal with and I don't need any crazy phantom symptoms messing with my head.

A Q-tip test this am shows nothing as of yet. Just creamy CM. I just want AF to show so I can move on. Is that too much to ask after I've been messed with? So, basically I'll be sitting around being miserable until the old hag shows. Lucky it's raining outside and I have nothing else to do, eh?

Can you please pass the tissues?

So, here we are again. 13DPO and only BFNs. I can't focus. I can't stop crying. I can't stop wondering why it feels like someone is messing with me. This is the only cycle since I stopped BCP except my BFP cycle that I have sensitive nipples and sore boobs before AF shows. I have cramps which I NEVER have before AF as I don't even have much cramping with AF. I'm extremely frustrated right now. I thought we had good timing and I had a good cycle last month, so I thought this could be our month. I had high hopes that were crushed once again. Maybe if I hadn't gotten PG once before, I wouldn't realize it's possible and then I wouldn't be so stressed about getting a BFP again. I don't know. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place right now. At this point, I just want AF to show so I can move on. The end of a 14 LP gets a little overwhelming with emotions probably because of the hormones or whatever. And since I got my BFP on 12DPO and everyone seems to get them so much earlier than what's expected it's very hard. Of course, I know the possibilities of getting a BFP late...I've seen the charts in the chart gallery. I've heard the stories. I've stalked countdowntopregnancy.com to try and remain hopeful. But, at this point, I think being hopeful is just foolish. I'm already crushed and couldn't imagine keeping up my hopes and then doing this over and over again.

I've just mainly been lurking on GP lately. I can't bring myself to post. I just don't feel like it. A lot of the regulars are getting BFPs or they are already KU and it just hurts each time I see a ticker or a comment. I feel like I was left behind. I'm sure once AF comes and my hormones regulate I'll be fine and I'll be back.

I just talked to Vince on the phone. He was just leaving the dentist. I was barely saying anything so he wouldn't hear the hurt in my voice and detect that I was crying. I have to hold myself together for him and for everyone IRL. They don't know and they wouldn't understand. My friends aren't TTC and never have, so they wouldn't get it.

Hearing or seeing any complaints about being KU drive me nuts. Whether it's a GP'er or someone IRL it really hurts my heart. Not that they can't complain, but I just feel that they don't know how lucky they are to be pg with a healthy baby and they are fussing over nonsense. That just drives me crazy. I flipped out the other night about it. It just hurts that they don't see that's where someone else wants to be, and they are complaining. Ugh.

Anyway, I guess it's good I got that all out. I actually think I feel a little bit better.