I surrender.

So, Renee calls this morning to tell me my level went up from Friday yet again. It was 11,218 or something like that. So, of course it didn't double. Why would it do that? Ok, so we talk about what's going on and she suggests that I go for one more u/s on Friday and we'll go from there. I can get my blood drawn, but I don't have to. It's basically all up to me. She's so sweet and informative and I really appreciate that. So, after hanging up with her it's time to go get ready to take Mammy for her follow-up with the ENT that did her surgery. So, I go potty and OMG I see blood when I wipe. UMM WTF?? Ok, so I call Mammy hysterical crying like woah because I can't seem to get the phone to ring trying to call Vince. Ok, so I take some deep breaths and call Renee. I must admit that I was kinda relieved to see the blood. I mean it makes the decision process a lot easier since my body is then bascially telling me it's going to handle it. Ok, fine. Anyway, Renee wants me to go for a STAT u/s to see if the sac is still intact and get blood drawn. Ok, I can do that. I've been doing it like it's my job lately. So, u/s shows no changes from the u/s done on Friday. Sac is still intact. Big freakin' surprise. Won't get blood results 'til tomorrow. In the mean time, no more bleeding. WTF. I am seriously emotionally and physically drained at this point. I'm done. I'm throwing in the white towel. I can't take it anymore. BUT I don't have a choice. If my body isn't going to let go, then I can't either. So, here I sit and wait. Some more. So now I guess I'll wait for the results and look for bleeding. Wonderful.

I talked to my boss on the phone today and luckily he's very understanding. Told me to keep in touch, but to take all the time I need. Him and his wife had a hard time getting pregnant and then some. They eventually used IVF. They have 2 beautiful little boys now, but he knows how hard emotionally it is. I think they've had to deal with at least one m/c if not two.

As I was waiting for the u/s today trying not to pee my pants (I actually drank all the water they told me to like a big dummy) I was reading my book. Funny how I came across this part. A daughter is telling her mother she's expecting her first child.

"Next came the call to my mother. When I rang the house, I could hear KYW in the background. It was an all-news station she listened to throughtout the day. Bullentins of murders and fires and peculiar deaths.

"Well, are you proud of yourself?" she asked.

"What?"

"You're throwing your life away, you know that? Pissing it down your leg."

I stared at Jake.

"Mom?"

"What?"

"I'm going to have a child."

"There are no awards given out," she said."

The first line of the book just happens to be "When all is said and done, killing my mother came easily."

NFT.