Friday, May 1, 2009

Can you please pass the tissues?

So, here we are again. 13DPO and only BFNs. I can't focus. I can't stop crying. I can't stop wondering why it feels like someone is messing with me. This is the only cycle since I stopped BCP except my BFP cycle that I have sensitive nipples and sore boobs before AF shows. I have cramps which I NEVER have before AF as I don't even have much cramping with AF. I'm extremely frustrated right now. I thought we had good timing and I had a good cycle last month, so I thought this could be our month. I had high hopes that were crushed once again. Maybe if I hadn't gotten PG once before, I wouldn't realize it's possible and then I wouldn't be so stressed about getting a BFP again. I don't know. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place right now. At this point, I just want AF to show so I can move on. The end of a 14 LP gets a little overwhelming with emotions probably because of the hormones or whatever. And since I got my BFP on 12DPO and everyone seems to get them so much earlier than what's expected it's very hard. Of course, I know the possibilities of getting a BFP late...I've seen the charts in the chart gallery. I've heard the stories. I've stalked to try and remain hopeful. But, at this point, I think being hopeful is just foolish. I'm already crushed and couldn't imagine keeping up my hopes and then doing this over and over again.

I've just mainly been lurking on GP lately. I can't bring myself to post. I just don't feel like it. A lot of the regulars are getting BFPs or they are already KU and it just hurts each time I see a ticker or a comment. I feel like I was left behind. I'm sure once AF comes and my hormones regulate I'll be fine and I'll be back.

I just talked to Vince on the phone. He was just leaving the dentist. I was barely saying anything so he wouldn't hear the hurt in my voice and detect that I was crying. I have to hold myself together for him and for everyone IRL. They don't know and they wouldn't understand. My friends aren't TTC and never have, so they wouldn't get it.

Hearing or seeing any complaints about being KU drive me nuts. Whether it's a GP'er or someone IRL it really hurts my heart. Not that they can't complain, but I just feel that they don't know how lucky they are to be pg with a healthy baby and they are fussing over nonsense. That just drives me crazy. I flipped out the other night about it. It just hurts that they don't see that's where someone else wants to be, and they are complaining. Ugh.

Anyway, I guess it's good I got that all out. I actually think I feel a little bit better.


  1. ::passes box of Kleenex:: Sorry you are feeling so down. It really makes it harder when you have to put on the happy face for the real world. There has been a lot of BFP action on GP, so I totally understand you not wanting to be around it too much right now. I'm hoping that you just tested too early and you will have some great news in the next couple days!

  2. I dont think I've ever commented on your blog before (I'm bluejinn823, I haven't been on GP in over a month), but you've "verbalized" exactly how I feel. Hang in there.

  3. I felt the exact same way and there were posts I didn't even open because I didn't want to see certain people's tickers. Hang in there xoxo

  4. Hey girl. I know what you mean about being left behind. So many of the girls that have been right there with me, my cheerleaders, are getting BFPs. Of course I'm ecstatic for them. But, makes me down on myself at the same, "what's wrong with me?" "Do I have a chance?" You're not alone. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

  5. Toot, I am so sorry you feel this way and I 100% understand. I remember a cycle where I got AF and didn't get out of bed the entire day. It sucks seeing everyone else gets pregnant and you aren't. You are not alone and we are all here to support you.

  6. You are not alone. I haven't ever been PG nor have I been TTC for 6 months, but I still get upset when I see PG complaints on the GP board. I would kill to have m/s and such right about now rather than AF and a BFP. It's especially worse when your own body is sending signals that you're KTFU. Don't give up hope just yet, I hope you get that BFP you want soon.

  7. aww toots, i am still keeping my fingers crossed that you get that BFP soon!