Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Where do all the hookers meet?

South Street? I'm headed there because this is definitely the only way we'll be able to afford the $47/can formula the GI doctor told the Pedi to recommend to us. Um, seriously? Who the F can afford that? Our insurance doesn't cover it. The pharmacy told me to take the script to a medical supply store and they might be able to help by saying it's a medical supply that's absolutely necessary. A few people have told me that their child refused to drink it. So, I decided to wait until we see the GI doc next week and discuss exactly what this new formula will do and see if he has samples. I'm definitely not paying $47/can if she won't drink it or if it isn't really going to help anymore than the Alimentum. Then if she really needs it, I will either fight like hell with the insurance and prescription peeps, or start selling myself. I've seen Pretty Woman. I can work it! LOL

Oh? And the kicker? Apparently Medicaid covers it. So, if only I didn't have a job, and a husband and I could rely on the government for everything....WTF?

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

How do you forget?

Ok, so I know it's been awhile, but I finally have something I need to say. A few things actually.

How come when you start dating, people ask when you're getting engaged? Then, once engaged, it's when's the wedding? After the wedding...they're asking about babies. Now I know the next question, "When will you have another one?" Anyone that asks me that question gets a simple answer...I don't know after all we've been through if we'll ever have another one. Some people are understanding, others are not. Here's some of the things I don't think I will EVER forget:

  • Immediately after I was positive my water broke, I said to Vince, "OMG her lungs aren't ready!"
  • I never saw my baby's face before they took her away. She was on my chest when Vince cut the cord so I saw the top of her head. Then before the took her away to the Intensive Care Nursery, I got to kiss her after she was all wrapped up, so I couldn't see her. There are no pics of me and my new baby immediately after she was born.
  • My baby with a breathing tube down her throat and a feeding tube.
  • Not being able to hold her until she was already over 24 hours old. The first picture of mother and daughter was taken then. ugh.
  • Feeling like a complete failure that my body didn't produce enough milk while being harassed by everyone and anyone in the ICN. There were even posters telling you that breast milk is best, especially for preemies. It's like being kicked when you're already down.
  • We never got a hospital picture taken of her. We don't have the classic pic. This hurts my heart.
  • Being discharged from the hospital without my baby. Having to walk out of the hospital with just Vince was heartbreaking.
  • Trying to recover and hiking up to the hospital each day to see her with the nurses asking me if I'm taking care of myself. Hmmm, yea please excuse me while I do my Sitz bath in the public bathroom. UGH.
  • Deciding it was time to take her the ER after she spent the day coughing, not eating so well, and breathing extremely fast.
  • Vince bawling his eyes out after the CHOP doctors asked repeatedly if anyone was sick around her since we took her home. (He had a cold the first few days we brought her home).
  • Going home to get enough stuff to be snowed in with Maura at CHOP and returning to her room to hear her crying from the hallway :( Why wasn't someone comforting my baby until I got there? How long was she crying? Vince was holding me back from freaking the hell out.
  • The God awful reflux. The endless formula switches. The meds that don't work. The choking that brings us to tears. Hearing my baby cry in pain. Calling the pedi numerous times after hours looking for someone to help. The ultrasound that she screamed through. The upper GI. Wanting nothing more than for someone to help her feel better.
  • The lack of sleep.
  • The therapist that looked younger than me and wasn't married and certainly appeared to have no children. I know in theory, that shouldn't matter, but it bothered me. Therefore, therapy was a waste of my time.
  • Trying to figure out if I should take the Celexa the doctor prescribed for me. Do I have PPD or anxiety or do I have a child with horrible reflux that consumes all my thoughts every minute of every day and completely shares the shit out of me, but justifiably so?
  • There are many different sides of Vince. Babies can add a lot of things to a marriage.

So now, I ask, how do people forget this stuff and have another baby? I know it's only been 3 months, but I'm not sure I'll forget any of this. Maura just might be an only child. I feel like a horrible person thinking back to a time when things were happy day dreaming....I'm a horrible mother. People keep telling me it gets better. It gets easier. I'll forget. But will I?