Monday, May 4, 2009

Pity Party.

I feel like a total failure. I'm well aware that getting pregnant is nothing I can control, per se, but nonetheless, I'm beating myself up. I looked at Vince this morning while he was putting gel in his hair and thought to myself, "As usual, men have it easy. He puts in the "baby batter" and I'm supposed to bake the cake....I'm such a failure." Now, I know he doesn't think this. Not one bit. And deep down, I don't believe it...but it doesn't prevent me from thinking it. I wish I could be more like Vince right now. He's not worried about having a baby. He doesn't let it take over his life. My life = baby, or lack there of, 24/7.

When I started charting...I was excited. When my body did what it was supposed to and my chart looked awesome with a clear shift I couldn't be more thrilled. Not ovulating was a big fear of mine. I was only off bcp one cycle before I started charted. The first month charting I honestly wasn't sure what I was doing. I was sleeping good, waking up, taking my temp and watching my chart shape up in something I would just stare at in amazement. The second cycle, I had a game plan. I totally carried it out and it was exhilarating when I got a BFP. Wow! Within a couple weeks my excitement turned to complete and utter disappointment. Everything had failed me. I was so excited I never even considered the possibility of a m/c. And then it was happening to me. There it was on MY chart...the ugliest words ever written MISSED ABORTION and D&E. Now every time I'm asked if I was ever PG before, I must say yes and remember that horrible time in our lives.

Now, I don't sleep well. I don't know if it's related to a medication that I stopped taking since we're TTC or if I'm too anxious about taking my temp or just totally stressed out by the whole TTC process. But, I'm getting annoyed. I'm exhausted, which sure doesn't help my mood and/or enegery. I'm happiest in the 2ww when I'm convincing myself I'm KU. I'm such an idiot. I keep my hopes so high that I fall so hard. I try telling myself that I'm totally not KU so then I expect the BFNs and AF so I don't get so disappointed...but I'm such a dreamer so of course that doesn't work. Then of course when AF shows up, my hormones are going crazy which really sucks and makes things extremely worse. I mean what could be worse right after getting the news that you're not pregnant...surely not AF. Blah.

Although mostly everyone IRL knows that we're TTC now since the m/c, I can't really talk to anyone about it. I'm not sure anyone that hasn't actively tried to get PG really would understand. I don't think anyone who hasn't been PG really understands the devastation of a m/c.

OMG I just realized that I'm totally rambling. Well, anyway, AF showed today and I'm really bummed. I'm better at work; when I'm there, I don't cry. I'm moving onto cycle 7. I'm not sure what my plan is going to be for this cycle. I haven't decided if I should temp or not. Temping may be causing me not to sleep, therefore adding stress. Not temping may lead to not knowing what's going on and therefore add stress. So, I have some serious thinking to do. It seems like I keep watching everyone on GP get PG and I feel very left behind.

Well, thanks for coming to my pity party. I seriously hope you didn't just torture yourself reading all that crap. Give me a few days and I'll be ok. I hope. Or at least until the end of next cycle and another BFN.


  1. I read it, and I'm glad you were able to get everything out. Everything you said makes sense, and I'm sure you'll figure out the best thing to do for you. I'm thinking about you!

  2. It's not rambling. You make perfect sense. Maybe taking a break from charting for a cycle will help, if only for the fact of you getting some sleep. Or at least temp until you're sure that you O'd and then take the 2ww off. I took off for cycle 5, and even though it was a bit stressful the few days before AF, it helped with keeping my sanity for the start of cycle 6 (or at least up to today - cd4).

  3. I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. I know exactly what you mean about your IRL friends not really understanding.

    For what it's worth, I think a blog is a prefect place to let this all out.

  4. I'm sorry that you are struggling. I hope you can figure out what to do that is best for you, whether it's a break in charting or whatever else you may need to help you feel better. My thoughts and prayers are with you hun!

  5. I am so sorry you are having a tough time. I definitely can relate to not having anyone to talk to about TTC. I say follow your gut as to whether to chart or not-either way, lots of babydust and good luck heading your way from me!