Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
My doctor still wants me to get the mammogram to be safe, and I agree. My appointment is scheduled for next Wednesday. I'm definitely not looking forward to it. A big machine squishing my huge boobs surely doesn't sound like fun to me. Afterwards, I'm going to go to lunch with Clea and a former coworker, Andria. Andria and I were pretty close over the last few years, although no one would have thought we'd be friends. When I was on maternity leave, Andria wasn't feeling well. She was extremely dizzy so they did some testing and diagnosed her with MS. She never came back to work. They have tried multiple treatments, and nothing has worked so far. Unfortunately, the disease was rather progressed when she was diagnosed. I feel so bad for her and I'm hoping that Clea and I might bring some happiness to her day by taking her out for lunch. It's so scary to think that you can be fine one minute, and sick the next. Life is sometimes just not fair.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Then she mentioned Lymphoma and Breast Cancer. Holy shit, what? I'm scared. So, I scheduled an appt to get a mammogram and an ultrasound of the left breast on Oct 27th. Ouch. My mom has had 2 tumors removed from her breasts, both benign. My grandmother had cancerous changes on her last mammogram, but she's over 80 and paralyzed on one side from a previous stroke, so there's nothing they can do. My great-grandmother died from metastatic breast cancer. I'm scared.
I'm not telling anyone, either. I just don't even want to talk about it. I'm freaking out as it is.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
As I watch her grow, I'm having more and more WHAT IF moments.
What if she doesn't like me when she's older?
What if she doesn't want to go to college?
What if she doesn't like all the things I'm looking forward to her liking? Like Disney World? and reading? and dancing? and my favorite movies growing up?
What if she doesn't hit milestones on time?
What if she isn't smart?
What if she isn't healthy?
What if this, what if that?
I'm driving myself crazy. Between that and the sudden paranoia, I don't know what to do with myself. Example of paranoia: I'm driving home from work. Everything is perfectly fine. All of a sudden, I smell something. Then this happens in my head.
Holy shit. What's that smell? Is my truck on fire? Should I pull over? What happens if it blows up? What will happen to Maura? OMG. What if I never hug her again? or kiss Vince? What if I pull over and someone hits me and I go flying? How will I get to work tomorrow? Ok, take a deep breath.
Truck is obviously not on fire. You're fine. Laugh at yourself for being crazy and carry on home to your husband and baby. GRRR. I do this at least once a day.
I entered a contest today to drive a Chevy Traverse for a month and blog/facebook about it! I would be so freaking excited if I actually win. This is one of the vehicles I was looking into when my lease is up next year, so being able to test drive for a month would be AWESOME! I highly doubt I'm going to win...but we'll see ;)
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
On Sunday, I noticed some burning and pain on the right side of my abdomen. Of course, I ignored it. I'm too busy for that nonsense. By Wednesday, it still hadn't gone away. So, I expected the worse and waited for the rash. The dreaded shingles rash. Thursday morning, it was there. I just about cried. Shingles is extremely contagious to anyone (especially babies, especially MY baby) that hasn't had chicken pox. Children don't get vaccinated until 1 year of age these days so my baby is now at high risk because who else will take care of her but me? One of the ID docs at work gave me a script for Valtrex so I could start taking it ASAP. Unfortunately, the pain came anyway. Holy Hannah does shingles hurt. Wow. So, I called out yesterday to see my primary for some pain meds. The meds she gave me could potentially make me drowsy, so I can't even take them since I have to take care of Maura. Booo. She gave me some topical cream/ointment to apply, but that could keep it moist and keep it from drying out, so I'm trying to avoid those, too. The sooner it dries out and scabs over, the less likely I am to be able to spread it. So, I'm dealing with the pain at this point. Blah.
While at my primary, I got the results from my routine blood work and urinalysis. There is strep and WBC in my urine, so I'm also now on an antibiotic. GREAT. And my vitamin D is low, so a supplement for that, too. My LFTs were also elevated, but the dr said it could be because I'm postpartum (although I think 5 months out, it shouldn't be an issue, so I'm trying not to worry) so I need a recheck in 2 months. Lucky me. WTF? My body is failing me. UGH. So, I'm a hot mess.
Our 2nd Anniversary was on Monday. We agreed to basically do nothing because we both want new iPhones and we both worked on Monday. We wanted to go to dinner on Sunday night, but that didn't work out, so I just cooked something here. I came home from work to find a dozen red roses, and 2 white roses. Vince brought me 3 white roses the night of our first date. I was really shocked, because you don't have to tell him not to do anything twice, that's for sure. And he isn't usually romantic and he definitely doesn't do surprises! So, it was a happy surprise and I loved it! Not sure where all this is coming from since Maura was born, but I'll surely take it. My parents got us a beautiful Calla Lilly plant! It's awesome!! So, then I was feeling a little crappy because I really didn't do anything :( LOL I did get him an awesome gift for Father's Day, though! hehe.
After much bullshit yesterday, we finally pre-ordered our iPhones. Woot. I can't wait to get it. It looks so cool. Of course, we don't really have the money for that right now...but we aren't going on vacation this year, so it'll be our big spend of the year, besides having a baby, of course. It was really Vince's idea. I wanted to wait...he wants one now. So, we preordered and should get our phones sometime next week.
I forgot to update on the support group meeting I went to with Dot. I LOVED it. I didn't go again this week because of the shingles. I didn't want to risk any of the babies, so better safe than sorry. Plus, Dot wasn't going, either. But, it was great to be able to talk about things and have the other moms understand. All the moms bring their babies and we sit around on the floor all together and discuss hot topics. It was really great. I can't go next week either because I have to work, but hopefully I'll be able to go again soon. Thanks to Dot for telling me about it!!
I went to Clea's bridal shower last weekend and I must say it was very nice. The Filipino food was delicious!! I never had it before and I was very surprised I liked it...but I really did. YUM. The cake was like heaven on earth. It was from Sweet Eats, which is where we always get our cakes from, so I think Clea requested it. It was red velvet with cream cheese icing and HOLY dear GOD it was SO flipping good!! Clea really was very happy and played the future bride to be very nicely. I was actually surprised, but I'm happy for her. In my opinion, she's changed a lot since she got engaged and not for the better, but it was still nice.
So, I believe that's it for now. That's enough, isn't it? Hopefully I'll remember to update before I have so much to tell :)
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Although I don't care too much for Vince's family, we had a nice time seeing everyone. Especially since most of the family hadn't met Maura yet...I know she's almost 5 Months old...don't ask. So anyway, then on Monday we went to a BBQ at my parents house. Here's my little bathing beauty, and my niece and nephew:
Then today we had another graduation party for my cousin Marc. It was nice. No pics just yet. Maura so far has been pretty good at the parties, but she refuses to eat. For one, we can't really warm her bottles and for two, my kid is beyond nosey. She cannot concentrate on what she's doing because she's way to worried about what everyone else is doing. She's definitely my kid! LOL
Thursday, June 3, 2010
I married the man of my dreams. Or at least most of my dreams ;) haha. I kid I kid! But lately, I don't feel like his wife. I feel like I'm the mother of his child. I can't explain the differences exactly, but it's different.
My mom used to be my best friend. We were extremely close. I would spend most of my days off with her doing things, or doing nothing. It didn't matter. Now, because she watches Maura on the 3 days that I work, she needs her other days to run errands, or see Gram at the nursing home, or clean the house, or just relax, or watch my brothers kids. So, I feel like I lost her, too. Another part of me, gone.
I don't have many friends, but even the ones that I had, I seemed to have lost or have become more distanced from them. They don't have kids, so it seems we lost a connection, but hopefully it's just temporary. Everyone asks how Maura is doing. No one really asks how I am. No one asks if I want to get together anymore. I guess they assume I can't or I don't want to. Or maybe they don't want to do anything that involves bringing Maura. So, I guess because I haven't really done things with friends like normal, I lost another part of me.
I used to read. A LOT. It's quite possibly my favorite thing to do, but I have no time to read now, which makes me sad.
I don't really like TV, so I don't watch many things, but I can't even keep up with anything anymore. UGH.
Please don't think I'm complaining about being a mother, because I'm not. I'm simply expressing that I'd like to be a mother, and still be myself and everything I used to be, doing everything I love. But I can't seem to find that place. Or a happy medium at this point. I hope I can sometime soon and be a happier person than I am now.