Tuesday, April 27, 2010

How do you forget?

Ok, so I know it's been awhile, but I finally have something I need to say. A few things actually.

How come when you start dating, people ask when you're getting engaged? Then, once engaged, it's when's the wedding? After the wedding...they're asking about babies. Now I know the next question, "When will you have another one?" Anyone that asks me that question gets a simple answer...I don't know after all we've been through if we'll ever have another one. Some people are understanding, others are not. Here's some of the things I don't think I will EVER forget:

  • Immediately after I was positive my water broke, I said to Vince, "OMG her lungs aren't ready!"
  • I never saw my baby's face before they took her away. She was on my chest when Vince cut the cord so I saw the top of her head. Then before the took her away to the Intensive Care Nursery, I got to kiss her after she was all wrapped up, so I couldn't see her. There are no pics of me and my new baby immediately after she was born.
  • My baby with a breathing tube down her throat and a feeding tube.
  • Not being able to hold her until she was already over 24 hours old. The first picture of mother and daughter was taken then. ugh.
  • Feeling like a complete failure that my body didn't produce enough milk while being harassed by everyone and anyone in the ICN. There were even posters telling you that breast milk is best, especially for preemies. It's like being kicked when you're already down.
  • We never got a hospital picture taken of her. We don't have the classic pic. This hurts my heart.
  • Being discharged from the hospital without my baby. Having to walk out of the hospital with just Vince was heartbreaking.
  • Trying to recover and hiking up to the hospital each day to see her with the nurses asking me if I'm taking care of myself. Hmmm, yea please excuse me while I do my Sitz bath in the public bathroom. UGH.
  • Deciding it was time to take her the ER after she spent the day coughing, not eating so well, and breathing extremely fast.
  • Vince bawling his eyes out after the CHOP doctors asked repeatedly if anyone was sick around her since we took her home. (He had a cold the first few days we brought her home).
  • Going home to get enough stuff to be snowed in with Maura at CHOP and returning to her room to hear her crying from the hallway :( Why wasn't someone comforting my baby until I got there? How long was she crying? Vince was holding me back from freaking the hell out.
  • The God awful reflux. The endless formula switches. The meds that don't work. The choking that brings us to tears. Hearing my baby cry in pain. Calling the pedi numerous times after hours looking for someone to help. The ultrasound that she screamed through. The upper GI. Wanting nothing more than for someone to help her feel better.
  • The lack of sleep.
  • The therapist that looked younger than me and wasn't married and certainly appeared to have no children. I know in theory, that shouldn't matter, but it bothered me. Therefore, therapy was a waste of my time.
  • Trying to figure out if I should take the Celexa the doctor prescribed for me. Do I have PPD or anxiety or do I have a child with horrible reflux that consumes all my thoughts every minute of every day and completely shares the shit out of me, but justifiably so?
  • There are many different sides of Vince. Babies can add a lot of things to a marriage.

So now, I ask, how do people forget this stuff and have another baby? I know it's only been 3 months, but I'm not sure I'll forget any of this. Maura just might be an only child. I feel like a horrible person thinking back to a time when things were easy...like happy day dreaming....I'm a horrible mother. People keep telling me it gets better. It gets easier. I'll forget. But will I?


  1. I think you're doing a wonderful job. None of what you've been through in these last 3 months has been easy, so no you probably won't forget. However, you might just begin to breathe easy again, and sleep a little more, and look back and be proud of yourself for the strength you found and the way you handled every single obstacle. And with that, you just might think you're ready to challenge yourself again.

  2. I was the same way. I would have sworn on a stack of Bibles that I was never having another one. Ever. It was too hard. I was too ill equiped. I would have tied my tubes myself and I didn't even deal with any hospital troubles like you did.

    It's amazing how the mind of a mother works. The pain of it all will dull, it will fade and before you know it your ovaries will be itching. I think you're doing an amazing job and I'm sure Maura does too.

  3. Majority of those moments that you had in the NICU and right after labor, I have had also. And I never will forget that. Reading how you walked out of the hospital with out your precious little girl brought those memories (and some tears) flooding back.

    But now that I am 6 months deep into this little girls life, I can imagine another one. Those memories will always be a part of my little girl but they are not at the forefront of my mind anymore. I want to have another child, I want and pray that experience will be different so I can have new memories with that little life. It just takes time to get there and I think you will. ((hugs))

  4. Oh Toot.
    You are an amazing, amazing mom, wife and friend.
    Those memories will stay with you but, like Karly said, they won't be so immediate.
    Whenever you need a friend you know who to text.

    Sending love and kisses.

  5. It's tough, I mean really tough to go through all of this. If you haven't found it yet, you might want to visit the March of Dimes community for parents of preemies called Share Your Story: http://www.shareyourstory.org/ You can chat with others who are dealing with the same issues you are (reflux is a big one) and share ideas and frustrations. It's very supportive.

  6. I love you for posting this. The best part of you, is that you are human. I know my re-admit after C was born, and the BP issues pale in comparison to what you have went through, and truth is I will probably never completely understand what it was like to be in your shoes. You are an amazing mother, and an even more amazing friend, and I love you for that.