HOT MESS

So, right now, I'm pretty much a hot mess. If you haven't heard, I have shingles.

On Sunday, I noticed some burning and pain on the right side of my abdomen. Of course, I ignored it. I'm too busy for that nonsense. By Wednesday, it still hadn't gone away. So, I expected the worse and waited for the rash. The dreaded shingles rash. Thursday morning, it was there. I just about cried. Shingles is extremely contagious to anyone (especially babies, especially MY baby) that hasn't had chicken pox. Children don't get vaccinated until 1 year of age these days so my baby is now at high risk because who else will take care of her but me? One of the ID docs at work gave me a script for Valtrex so I could start taking it ASAP. Unfortunately, the pain came anyway. Holy Hannah does shingles hurt. Wow. So, I called out yesterday to see my primary for some pain meds. The meds she gave me could potentially make me drowsy, so I can't even take them since I have to take care of Maura. Booo. She gave me some topical cream/ointment to apply, but that could keep it moist and keep it from drying out, so I'm trying to avoid those, too. The sooner it dries out and scabs over, the less likely I am to be able to spread it. So, I'm dealing with the pain at this point. Blah.

While at my primary, I got the results from my routine blood work and urinalysis. There is strep and WBC in my urine, so I'm also now on an antibiotic. GREAT. And my vitamin D is low, so a supplement for that, too. My LFTs were also elevated, but the dr said it could be because I'm postpartum (although I think 5 months out, it shouldn't be an issue, so I'm trying not to worry) so I need a recheck in 2 months. Lucky me. WTF? My body is failing me. UGH. So, I'm a hot mess.

Our 2nd Anniversary was on Monday. We agreed to basically do nothing because we both want new iPhones and we both worked on Monday. We wanted to go to dinner on Sunday night, but that didn't work out, so I just cooked something here. I came home from work to find a dozen red roses, and 2 white roses. Vince brought me 3 white roses the night of our first date. I was really shocked, because you don't have to tell him not to do anything twice, that's for sure. And he isn't usually romantic and he definitely doesn't do surprises! So, it was a happy surprise and I loved it! Not sure where all this is coming from since Maura was born, but I'll surely take it. My parents got us a beautiful Calla Lilly plant! It's awesome!! So, then I was feeling a little crappy because I really didn't do anything :( LOL I did get him an awesome gift for Father's Day, though! hehe.

After much bullshit yesterday, we finally pre-ordered our iPhones. Woot. I can't wait to get it. It looks so cool. Of course, we don't really have the money for that right now...but we aren't going on vacation this year, so it'll be our big spend of the year, besides having a baby, of course. It was really Vince's idea. I wanted to wait...he wants one now. So, we preordered and should get our phones sometime next week.

I forgot to update on the support group meeting I went to with Dot. I LOVED it. I didn't go again this week because of the shingles. I didn't want to risk any of the babies, so better safe than sorry. Plus, Dot wasn't going, either. But, it was great to be able to talk about things and have the other moms understand. All the moms bring their babies and we sit around on the floor all together and discuss hot topics. It was really great. I can't go next week either because I have to work, but hopefully I'll be able to go again soon. Thanks to Dot for telling me about it!!

I went to Clea's bridal shower last weekend and I must say it was very nice. The Filipino food was delicious!! I never had it before and I was very surprised I liked it...but I really did. YUM. The cake was like heaven on earth. It was from Sweet Eats, which is where we always get our cakes from, so I think Clea requested it. It was red velvet with cream cheese icing and HOLY dear GOD it was SO flipping good!! Clea really was very happy and played the future bride to be very nicely. I was actually surprised, but I'm happy for her. In my opinion, she's changed a lot since she got engaged and not for the better, but it was still nice.

So, I believe that's it for now. That's enough, isn't it? Hopefully I'll remember to update before I have so much to tell :)

So busy!

Lately, we've been so busy! Seems like I have even less time to relax (is that possible?). Last weekend was Memorial Day, so on Sunday we went to a graduation party for Vince's oldest nephew. He graduated from the Naval Academy. Here's a pic with Karl (so handsome!) and my little sailor:

Although I don't care too much for Vince's family, we had a nice time seeing everyone. Especially since most of the family hadn't met Maura yet...I know she's almost 5 Months old...don't ask. So anyway, then on Monday we went to a BBQ at my parents house. Here's my little bathing beauty, and my niece and nephew:

Then today we had another graduation party for my cousin Marc. It was nice. No pics just yet. Maura so far has been pretty good at the parties, but she refuses to eat. For one, we can't really warm her bottles and for two, my kid is beyond nosey. She cannot concentrate on what she's doing because she's way to worried about what everyone else is doing. She's definitely my kid! LOL

On another note, I lost around 10 pounds. At one point, I know I was down 13 pounds, but I suck and haven't been really strict with my diet so I'm sure it's not that much anymore. And I really need to get my ass in gear to exercise, but who the hell has the time for that? It's been so hot out lately, too, and by the time I can get Maura and myself ready to go, I feel like it's too hot out there for her and her breathing issues. blah. This weight loss thing is horrible. I'm so frustrated with having to work so hard when it comes so easily to other women. It's a constant battle and I hate it. I see so many things about women with babies a lot younger than Maura fitting back into their pre-pregnancy clothes and blah blah blah. And it pisses me off, for real. I lost 10 pounds right after she was born, which was probably all fluid, and then nothing. NOTHING more than that. UGH. I'm so uncomfortable in everything I put on because I feel like I look fat and disgusting and it's so upsetting. I hate looking at myself in pictures or in the mirror. And not for nothing, but dieting is not only annoying, but it's also expensive and inconvenient.

This Wednesday, I'm going to go to a post-partum support group thingy with my friend, Dot and our daughters. I'm really looking forward it! It'll be nice to spend some time with Dot and other women with babies. I really hope it's supportive and all that.

Is it possible?

Not to lose your identity when you become a mother? I feel like I lost myself. A few weeks ago my mom asked me how awesome it would be if she won the lottery and paid my house off so I could stay home from work. Um. I got all anxious at the thought. Now, we all know that I love Maura with all my heart and soul, but part of me is being a nurse. I always wanted to be a nurse (although when I was little I thought doctors did what nurses actually do, so I said I wanted to be a doctor, when in fact nursing that I wanted to do). I absolutely LOVE my job. Not everyday, not every patient, not every doctor or co-worker, but all in all I adore being a nurse. It's definitely a major part of me. I cried the day I walked out of the hospital in my scrubs with my stethoscope around my neck. One of my dreams had come true.

I married the man of my dreams. Or at least most of my dreams ;) haha. I kid I kid! But lately, I don't feel like his wife. I feel like I'm the mother of his child. I can't explain the differences exactly, but it's different.

My mom used to be my best friend. We were extremely close. I would spend most of my days off with her doing things, or doing nothing. It didn't matter. Now, because she watches Maura on the 3 days that I work, she needs her other days to run errands, or see Gram at the nursing home, or clean the house, or just relax, or watch my brothers kids. So, I feel like I lost her, too. Another part of me, gone.

I don't have many friends, but even the ones that I had, I seemed to have lost or have become more distanced from them. They don't have kids, so it seems we lost a connection, but hopefully it's just temporary. Everyone asks how Maura is doing. No one really asks how I am. No one asks if I want to get together anymore. I guess they assume I can't or I don't want to. Or maybe they don't want to do anything that involves bringing Maura. So, I guess because I haven't really done things with friends like normal, I lost another part of me.

I used to read. A LOT. It's quite possibly my favorite thing to do, but I have no time to read now, which makes me sad.

I don't really like TV, so I don't watch many things, but I can't even keep up with anything anymore. UGH.

Please don't think I'm complaining about being a mother, because I'm not. I'm simply expressing that I'd like to be a mother, and still be myself and everything I used to be, doing everything I love. But I can't seem to find that place. Or a happy medium at this point. I hope I can sometime soon and be a happier person than I am now.