Meh.

My boobs are GINORMOUS. I have this weird cramping feeling in my ute. What's it all mean? Oh, that's right. Either I'm KTFU or AF is coming...interesting, huh? NFT.

Whatever.

I have no idea what my body is doing right now. The OPK from this am still looks rather positive. It's at least the same shade as the control line...maybe darker but I'm not sure. Yesterday I bled thru my underwear at one point. If I mark it as light on FF, it makes me CD1, so I left it as spotting especially because it was mixed with some sort of CM. I think it's from all the sex we've been having perhaps in combo with O'ing. My temp yesterday was a little higher...then today it went down. I woke up an hour before my normal temping time though, which pisses me off since now it's not accurate. I guess I was lucky that all my previous cycles were so easy. Last month using the OPKs seemed so easy...only got a + for one day and that was that.

I'm getting frustrated and toying with the idea of not temping for the rest of this cycle. I'm on the verge of eating something I'm really not supposed to. Ugh...I want to quit. Quit temping, quit charting, quit GP...but then I know I'll probably freak out because I really won't know what's going on. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

It's here....

The paranoia that comes in the weeks before O. Now, since I stopped the BCP in October, I've always O'd on CD19...even right after the D&E. So, I guess my body is pretty much set on that day...but I still freak out every cycle before CD19 thinking my body might change it's mind (that doesn't make any sense...but bear with me) and O earlier than I'm planning and we'll totally miss the fertile window. I mean of course we're having sex, but not everyday like around O time...and I really want to give it our best. I have OPKs for this cycle, too, but I don't want to start too early and go thru the rest of them and have to buy more already. I started earlier last cycle and used a lot of them. And even though they are cheap, if I keep buying them, it'll get expensive. I've also been having tons of CM lately. I don't know what that's about. It appears to be creamy, but there's just a ton of it. So, that's where I'm at right now. I hope everyone has a great Easter :)

In a mood...

Well it seems like AF is on her way out. I honestly feel really good about this visit from AF...it was very...hmmm what's the word? Cleansing? I haven't had a good visit from AF since before my BFP, D&E and all that...so this, in my eyes, is a good thing. I don't think my ute was in any shape to carry a baby without this, so believe it or not I'm happy about it. Although, my mood wouldn't tell you that lately. I don't know if it's just the post-Disney blues or what, but I've been kinda cranky and down lately. I kinda just feel sad but I'm not really sure why. It might be my weight, too. I've gained so much weight and I'm just disgusted with myself at this point. And I've been worrying a lot about being a mom...I'm kinda scared to death I won't be good at it. I have tons of fears that I won't put a good enough effort into it...or that I won't be able to handle everything that comes with it down the road...like silly things...like homework and projects and stuff like that. They kind of seem irrational to me, but I can't help but worry myself. A few people have reassured me that it's normal to think like that, but I'm a little freaked out anyway.

I'm going to start the count down for Disney again soon. We'll be making a return visit in September. We've invited Mammy and Daddy to stay with us so I'm super excited! I'm pretty sure Mammy is definitely coming, but Daddy isn't so sure yet. So, we'll see. But either way, it's something to look forward to. Hopefully I won't be riding the roller coasters though!

So, I haven't talked to my so called BFF since my bday...which may not even count since it was just an email. I haven't really had the desire to talk to her since she always has better things to do then maintain our relationship...and the fact that she asked me if I was crazy when I told her I was PG. She wasn't really supportive during the m/c-D&E either...I know she probably wasn't sure what to do...but I think she could have figured something out. This may be another thing that has me down. I think I might email her. I don't know...we'll see.

So anyway, I already looked ahead to see when I would be O'ing this month. I hope since I'm working in the days leading up to it that I'm not too tired to get it done! LOL. Working 12 hour shifts back to back for 3 days straight is a little tiring especially if we're having sex every night...but I think we can do it!

So that's it for me right now! Thanks for reading!

Such a Fool

So, I pretty much feel like a jackass. I'm such a fool for thinking I was actually PG with the stupidest phantom symptoms EVER. But, good thing I got to hide out in Disney for a little while. AF came right on time on Sunday evening after a BFN in the morning. I was hestitate to go on any of the "good" rides until I knew for sure. But today I got to go on Rock 'N Roll roller coaster, which just happens to be my favorite! Yay! I will say I wasn't excited to have AF in Disney where it was so freaking hot and tampons don't work for me so I had to wear a pad...but oh well. It wasn't too bad. Although I have freaking cramps for the first time in a long time and AF is actually heavy, which is definitely not what I'm used to. But, I think it's a good thing...I haven't had a good period in a while and I think I needed it to be able to get PG again since I haven't had anything remotely normal since my D&E. So, that's it.

Disney was a great time! I honestly love it there. Clearly, it's the happiest place on earth! Hehe. The plan is to go back in Sept....hopefully I won't be able to ride any roller coasters while I'm there....