Mammogram results

Wow. First of all, someone should tell the tech that the boob is in fact ATTACHED to my body. That said, I wouldn't say the mammogram hurt, but I would say it's uncomfortable. Totally worth it means it saves lives. She was pulling my ginormous boob into the machine and pushing my body away. Um, Lady? That's kinda stuck there, sorry to say. First, they squish it up and down. Second, side to side. Lastly, on a diagonal. She was pretty quick about it, which was good. Once the machine squeezes down, she runs to hit a button to take the pictures. The machine releases as soon as it's done with the pictures. Afterwards, I sat in a room waiting to find out if I needed an ultrasound or if the radiologist was going to discuss the results. After waiting what seemed like a long time, the tech came back and said ultrasound. So, I get that done and the radiologist comes in right afterwards. They didn't see anything! Yay! So, good news :)

My doctor called me tonight to see how I felt and discuss the next step. She recommends I get a biopsy of the lymph nodes under my arm. So, after my course of another antibiotic to ensure my sinus infection is gone and time to reassess the lymph nodes, I'll have to make an appt with a general surgeon. I'm hoping to go with a doctor at my hospital since my doctor told me to see someone that also does breast surgery.

I'm still just exhausted. Vince commented tonight that the house is a mess, which it is, and I started bawling. I have no energry to take care of Maura, go to work, and clean the house. I want to, but I physically just can't do it. I feel like a horrible wife, but I know Vince understands. Luckily, I have a great husband :)

In fact, today he took off and we went to Duffield's Farm to get Maura a pumpkin for her first Halloween. It was freezing, but we got to take a few pictures :) It was nice to spend a day with Maura and Vince out and about!

Update.

Lab results are in. Mono was negative. However, the virus that causes it, Epstein Barr Virus stays with you forever, and in my case it decided to flare up or reactivate, causing me to feel like shit. I'm just so exhausted I don't know what to do with myself, but at least I stopped having nightmares that I'm going to die. And now AF is here like she's never been here before. I've never bled so heavy in all my life. UGH.

My doctor still wants me to get the mammogram to be safe, and I agree. My appointment is scheduled for next Wednesday. I'm definitely not looking forward to it. A big machine squishing my huge boobs surely doesn't sound like fun to me. Afterwards, I'm going to go to lunch with Clea and a former coworker, Andria. Andria and I were pretty close over the last few years, although no one would have thought we'd be friends. When I was on maternity leave, Andria wasn't feeling well. She was extremely dizzy so they did some testing and diagnosed her with MS. She never came back to work. They have tried multiple treatments, and nothing has worked so far. Unfortunately, the disease was rather progressed when she was diagnosed. I feel so bad for her and I'm hoping that Clea and I might bring some happiness to her day by taking her out for lunch. It's so scary to think that you can be fine one minute, and sick the next. Life is sometimes just not fair.

Scared.

I went to the doctors Thursday morning. Something isn't right, but I don't really know what. I'm tired all the time and lately, I feel like I won't make it through the day. I've been going to bed when Maura does. I'm exhausted. Last week I had a sinus infection, but that cleared up nicely after a few days on the antibiotics. So, my Dr. ordered some labs. A blood count, electrolytes, Lyme's, Mono, Lupus screening tests, thyroid tests, and a bunch of other stuff. Results should be ready by Monday. Before I left, I mentioned the pain on the left side of my upper chest that just won't go away. I thought I pulled a muscle. Apparently, there are a chain of lymph nodes that are swollen and very painful. There's also a few near my clavicle and one in my neck that are swollen. WTF. There are a few conditions that could make this happen. Lyme's and mono being two of them. Ok, good, already being tested for those.

Then she mentioned Lymphoma and Breast Cancer. Holy shit, what? I'm scared. So, I scheduled an appt to get a mammogram and an ultrasound of the left breast on Oct 27th. Ouch. My mom has had 2 tumors removed from her breasts, both benign. My grandmother had cancerous changes on her last mammogram, but she's over 80 and paralyzed on one side from a previous stroke, so there's nothing they can do. My great-grandmother died from metastatic breast cancer. I'm scared.

I'm not telling anyone, either. I just don't even want to talk about it. I'm freaking out as it is.

9 Months!

I can't believe Maura is 9 Months old! HOLY CRAP! She's such a good little baby, too. Her checkup was today. She's 18 pounds 5 ounces! Such a big girl!! She got 2 shots and didn't cry AT ALL. I was amazed. She's pretty much bad ass. Just saying'.

As I watch her grow, I'm having more and more WHAT IF moments.

What if she doesn't like me when she's older?

What if she doesn't want to go to college?

What if she doesn't like all the things I'm looking forward to her liking? Like Disney World? and reading? and dancing? and my favorite movies growing up?

What if she doesn't hit milestones on time?

What if she isn't smart?

What if she isn't healthy?

What if this, what if that?

I'm driving myself crazy. Between that and the sudden paranoia, I don't know what to do with myself. Example of paranoia: I'm driving home from work. Everything is perfectly fine. All of a sudden, I smell something. Then this happens in my head.

Holy shit. What's that smell? Is my truck on fire? Should I pull over? What happens if it blows up? What will happen to Maura? OMG. What if I never hug her again? or kiss Vince? What if I pull over and someone hits me and I go flying? How will I get to work tomorrow? Ok, take a deep breath.

Truck is obviously not on fire. You're fine. Laugh at yourself for being crazy and carry on home to your husband and baby. GRRR. I do this at least once a day.

I entered a contest today to drive a Chevy Traverse for a month and blog/facebook about it! I would be so freaking excited if I actually win. This is one of the vehicles I was looking into when my lease is up next year, so being able to test drive for a month would be AWESOME! I highly doubt I'm going to win...but we'll see ;)