Mammogram results

Wow. First of all, someone should tell the tech that the boob is in fact ATTACHED to my body. That said, I wouldn't say the mammogram hurt, but I would say it's uncomfortable. Totally worth it means it saves lives. She was pulling my ginormous boob into the machine and pushing my body away. Um, Lady? That's kinda stuck there, sorry to say. First, they squish it up and down. Second, side to side. Lastly, on a diagonal. She was pretty quick about it, which was good. Once the machine squeezes down, she runs to hit a button to take the pictures. The machine releases as soon as it's done with the pictures. Afterwards, I sat in a room waiting to find out if I needed an ultrasound or if the radiologist was going to discuss the results. After waiting what seemed like a long time, the tech came back and said ultrasound. So, I get that done and the radiologist comes in right afterwards. They didn't see anything! Yay! So, good news :)

My doctor called me tonight to see how I felt and discuss the next step. She recommends I get a biopsy of the lymph nodes under my arm. So, after my course of another antibiotic to ensure my sinus infection is gone and time to reassess the lymph nodes, I'll have to make an appt with a general surgeon. I'm hoping to go with a doctor at my hospital since my doctor told me to see someone that also does breast surgery.

I'm still just exhausted. Vince commented tonight that the house is a mess, which it is, and I started bawling. I have no energry to take care of Maura, go to work, and clean the house. I want to, but I physically just can't do it. I feel like a horrible wife, but I know Vince understands. Luckily, I have a great husband :)

In fact, today he took off and we went to Duffield's Farm to get Maura a pumpkin for her first Halloween. It was freezing, but we got to take a few pictures :) It was nice to spend a day with Maura and Vince out and about!

Update.

Lab results are in. Mono was negative. However, the virus that causes it, Epstein Barr Virus stays with you forever, and in my case it decided to flare up or reactivate, causing me to feel like shit. I'm just so exhausted I don't know what to do with myself, but at least I stopped having nightmares that I'm going to die. And now AF is here like she's never been here before. I've never bled so heavy in all my life. UGH.

My doctor still wants me to get the mammogram to be safe, and I agree. My appointment is scheduled for next Wednesday. I'm definitely not looking forward to it. A big machine squishing my huge boobs surely doesn't sound like fun to me. Afterwards, I'm going to go to lunch with Clea and a former coworker, Andria. Andria and I were pretty close over the last few years, although no one would have thought we'd be friends. When I was on maternity leave, Andria wasn't feeling well. She was extremely dizzy so they did some testing and diagnosed her with MS. She never came back to work. They have tried multiple treatments, and nothing has worked so far. Unfortunately, the disease was rather progressed when she was diagnosed. I feel so bad for her and I'm hoping that Clea and I might bring some happiness to her day by taking her out for lunch. It's so scary to think that you can be fine one minute, and sick the next. Life is sometimes just not fair.

Scared.

I went to the doctors Thursday morning. Something isn't right, but I don't really know what. I'm tired all the time and lately, I feel like I won't make it through the day. I've been going to bed when Maura does. I'm exhausted. Last week I had a sinus infection, but that cleared up nicely after a few days on the antibiotics. So, my Dr. ordered some labs. A blood count, electrolytes, Lyme's, Mono, Lupus screening tests, thyroid tests, and a bunch of other stuff. Results should be ready by Monday. Before I left, I mentioned the pain on the left side of my upper chest that just won't go away. I thought I pulled a muscle. Apparently, there are a chain of lymph nodes that are swollen and very painful. There's also a few near my clavicle and one in my neck that are swollen. WTF. There are a few conditions that could make this happen. Lyme's and mono being two of them. Ok, good, already being tested for those.

Then she mentioned Lymphoma and Breast Cancer. Holy shit, what? I'm scared. So, I scheduled an appt to get a mammogram and an ultrasound of the left breast on Oct 27th. Ouch. My mom has had 2 tumors removed from her breasts, both benign. My grandmother had cancerous changes on her last mammogram, but she's over 80 and paralyzed on one side from a previous stroke, so there's nothing they can do. My great-grandmother died from metastatic breast cancer. I'm scared.

I'm not telling anyone, either. I just don't even want to talk about it. I'm freaking out as it is.

9 Months!

I can't believe Maura is 9 Months old! HOLY CRAP! She's such a good little baby, too. Her checkup was today. She's 18 pounds 5 ounces! Such a big girl!! She got 2 shots and didn't cry AT ALL. I was amazed. She's pretty much bad ass. Just saying'.

As I watch her grow, I'm having more and more WHAT IF moments.

What if she doesn't like me when she's older?

What if she doesn't want to go to college?

What if she doesn't like all the things I'm looking forward to her liking? Like Disney World? and reading? and dancing? and my favorite movies growing up?

What if she doesn't hit milestones on time?

What if she isn't smart?

What if she isn't healthy?

What if this, what if that?

I'm driving myself crazy. Between that and the sudden paranoia, I don't know what to do with myself. Example of paranoia: I'm driving home from work. Everything is perfectly fine. All of a sudden, I smell something. Then this happens in my head.

Holy shit. What's that smell? Is my truck on fire? Should I pull over? What happens if it blows up? What will happen to Maura? OMG. What if I never hug her again? or kiss Vince? What if I pull over and someone hits me and I go flying? How will I get to work tomorrow? Ok, take a deep breath.

Truck is obviously not on fire. You're fine. Laugh at yourself for being crazy and carry on home to your husband and baby. GRRR. I do this at least once a day.

I entered a contest today to drive a Chevy Traverse for a month and blog/facebook about it! I would be so freaking excited if I actually win. This is one of the vehicles I was looking into when my lease is up next year, so being able to test drive for a month would be AWESOME! I highly doubt I'm going to win...but we'll see ;)

HOT MESS

So, right now, I'm pretty much a hot mess. If you haven't heard, I have shingles.

On Sunday, I noticed some burning and pain on the right side of my abdomen. Of course, I ignored it. I'm too busy for that nonsense. By Wednesday, it still hadn't gone away. So, I expected the worse and waited for the rash. The dreaded shingles rash. Thursday morning, it was there. I just about cried. Shingles is extremely contagious to anyone (especially babies, especially MY baby) that hasn't had chicken pox. Children don't get vaccinated until 1 year of age these days so my baby is now at high risk because who else will take care of her but me? One of the ID docs at work gave me a script for Valtrex so I could start taking it ASAP. Unfortunately, the pain came anyway. Holy Hannah does shingles hurt. Wow. So, I called out yesterday to see my primary for some pain meds. The meds she gave me could potentially make me drowsy, so I can't even take them since I have to take care of Maura. Booo. She gave me some topical cream/ointment to apply, but that could keep it moist and keep it from drying out, so I'm trying to avoid those, too. The sooner it dries out and scabs over, the less likely I am to be able to spread it. So, I'm dealing with the pain at this point. Blah.

While at my primary, I got the results from my routine blood work and urinalysis. There is strep and WBC in my urine, so I'm also now on an antibiotic. GREAT. And my vitamin D is low, so a supplement for that, too. My LFTs were also elevated, but the dr said it could be because I'm postpartum (although I think 5 months out, it shouldn't be an issue, so I'm trying not to worry) so I need a recheck in 2 months. Lucky me. WTF? My body is failing me. UGH. So, I'm a hot mess.

Our 2nd Anniversary was on Monday. We agreed to basically do nothing because we both want new iPhones and we both worked on Monday. We wanted to go to dinner on Sunday night, but that didn't work out, so I just cooked something here. I came home from work to find a dozen red roses, and 2 white roses. Vince brought me 3 white roses the night of our first date. I was really shocked, because you don't have to tell him not to do anything twice, that's for sure. And he isn't usually romantic and he definitely doesn't do surprises! So, it was a happy surprise and I loved it! Not sure where all this is coming from since Maura was born, but I'll surely take it. My parents got us a beautiful Calla Lilly plant! It's awesome!! So, then I was feeling a little crappy because I really didn't do anything :( LOL I did get him an awesome gift for Father's Day, though! hehe.

After much bullshit yesterday, we finally pre-ordered our iPhones. Woot. I can't wait to get it. It looks so cool. Of course, we don't really have the money for that right now...but we aren't going on vacation this year, so it'll be our big spend of the year, besides having a baby, of course. It was really Vince's idea. I wanted to wait...he wants one now. So, we preordered and should get our phones sometime next week.

I forgot to update on the support group meeting I went to with Dot. I LOVED it. I didn't go again this week because of the shingles. I didn't want to risk any of the babies, so better safe than sorry. Plus, Dot wasn't going, either. But, it was great to be able to talk about things and have the other moms understand. All the moms bring their babies and we sit around on the floor all together and discuss hot topics. It was really great. I can't go next week either because I have to work, but hopefully I'll be able to go again soon. Thanks to Dot for telling me about it!!

I went to Clea's bridal shower last weekend and I must say it was very nice. The Filipino food was delicious!! I never had it before and I was very surprised I liked it...but I really did. YUM. The cake was like heaven on earth. It was from Sweet Eats, which is where we always get our cakes from, so I think Clea requested it. It was red velvet with cream cheese icing and HOLY dear GOD it was SO flipping good!! Clea really was very happy and played the future bride to be very nicely. I was actually surprised, but I'm happy for her. In my opinion, she's changed a lot since she got engaged and not for the better, but it was still nice.

So, I believe that's it for now. That's enough, isn't it? Hopefully I'll remember to update before I have so much to tell :)

So busy!

Lately, we've been so busy! Seems like I have even less time to relax (is that possible?). Last weekend was Memorial Day, so on Sunday we went to a graduation party for Vince's oldest nephew. He graduated from the Naval Academy. Here's a pic with Karl (so handsome!) and my little sailor:

Although I don't care too much for Vince's family, we had a nice time seeing everyone. Especially since most of the family hadn't met Maura yet...I know she's almost 5 Months old...don't ask. So anyway, then on Monday we went to a BBQ at my parents house. Here's my little bathing beauty, and my niece and nephew:

Then today we had another graduation party for my cousin Marc. It was nice. No pics just yet. Maura so far has been pretty good at the parties, but she refuses to eat. For one, we can't really warm her bottles and for two, my kid is beyond nosey. She cannot concentrate on what she's doing because she's way to worried about what everyone else is doing. She's definitely my kid! LOL

On another note, I lost around 10 pounds. At one point, I know I was down 13 pounds, but I suck and haven't been really strict with my diet so I'm sure it's not that much anymore. And I really need to get my ass in gear to exercise, but who the hell has the time for that? It's been so hot out lately, too, and by the time I can get Maura and myself ready to go, I feel like it's too hot out there for her and her breathing issues. blah. This weight loss thing is horrible. I'm so frustrated with having to work so hard when it comes so easily to other women. It's a constant battle and I hate it. I see so many things about women with babies a lot younger than Maura fitting back into their pre-pregnancy clothes and blah blah blah. And it pisses me off, for real. I lost 10 pounds right after she was born, which was probably all fluid, and then nothing. NOTHING more than that. UGH. I'm so uncomfortable in everything I put on because I feel like I look fat and disgusting and it's so upsetting. I hate looking at myself in pictures or in the mirror. And not for nothing, but dieting is not only annoying, but it's also expensive and inconvenient.

This Wednesday, I'm going to go to a post-partum support group thingy with my friend, Dot and our daughters. I'm really looking forward it! It'll be nice to spend some time with Dot and other women with babies. I really hope it's supportive and all that.

Is it possible?

Not to lose your identity when you become a mother? I feel like I lost myself. A few weeks ago my mom asked me how awesome it would be if she won the lottery and paid my house off so I could stay home from work. Um. I got all anxious at the thought. Now, we all know that I love Maura with all my heart and soul, but part of me is being a nurse. I always wanted to be a nurse (although when I was little I thought doctors did what nurses actually do, so I said I wanted to be a doctor, when in fact nursing that I wanted to do). I absolutely LOVE my job. Not everyday, not every patient, not every doctor or co-worker, but all in all I adore being a nurse. It's definitely a major part of me. I cried the day I walked out of the hospital in my scrubs with my stethoscope around my neck. One of my dreams had come true.

I married the man of my dreams. Or at least most of my dreams ;) haha. I kid I kid! But lately, I don't feel like his wife. I feel like I'm the mother of his child. I can't explain the differences exactly, but it's different.

My mom used to be my best friend. We were extremely close. I would spend most of my days off with her doing things, or doing nothing. It didn't matter. Now, because she watches Maura on the 3 days that I work, she needs her other days to run errands, or see Gram at the nursing home, or clean the house, or just relax, or watch my brothers kids. So, I feel like I lost her, too. Another part of me, gone.

I don't have many friends, but even the ones that I had, I seemed to have lost or have become more distanced from them. They don't have kids, so it seems we lost a connection, but hopefully it's just temporary. Everyone asks how Maura is doing. No one really asks how I am. No one asks if I want to get together anymore. I guess they assume I can't or I don't want to. Or maybe they don't want to do anything that involves bringing Maura. So, I guess because I haven't really done things with friends like normal, I lost another part of me.

I used to read. A LOT. It's quite possibly my favorite thing to do, but I have no time to read now, which makes me sad.

I don't really like TV, so I don't watch many things, but I can't even keep up with anything anymore. UGH.

Please don't think I'm complaining about being a mother, because I'm not. I'm simply expressing that I'd like to be a mother, and still be myself and everything I used to be, doing everything I love. But I can't seem to find that place. Or a happy medium at this point. I hope I can sometime soon and be a happier person than I am now.

The last week...

So, last Wednesday I took Maura for her shots and wound up getting a breathing treatment and a chest Xray. Fortunately, there was no infection, but the pedi was concerned with her fast breathing and the lack of interest in eating. So, we continued the breathing treatments for a week, got a weight check after a few days and monitored her breathing. After a week, she was still breathing fast, but eating much better so the pedi said we could stop the treatments and she got her shots. UGH. It seems like every time things appear to calm down and be ok, BAM! Not so much!

Last Sunday was Maura's baptism. She was SO good and looked absolutely beautiful!! I was a little nervous about what her gown would look like since there wasn't a real pattern or anything, but it came out better than I ever could have expected. It was really special to me that she was baptised in the same dress I was married in. I stood in that dress in that very church and was welcomed with my new husband after saying I do and now we were welcoming our daughter in the same dress in the same church surrounded by all the same family. It was a very special moment. The ceremony was long and boring though...the deacon was long winded and the babies (there were 4 of them) were getting restless and the adults were getting bored. But all in all, it was a great day. Some pics:

And I'm SO glad I changed my mind about choosing the Godmother. I don't have time to get into it, but my first choice wasn't the best thing for Maura and as soon as I realized this, I had to tell her and pick someone else. Normally I would NEVER have done something like that...but I had to do what is best for Maura and that holds true NO matter what. So, I did it although it was uncomfortable, but I'm so happy that I did. I guess that is something that changes when you're a parent!

Heaven sent?

A few months ago Maura, Mammy and I were shopping at Babies R Us. We ran into a woman who has a baby (also a girl!) about Maura's age and we started talking. She told me she wasn't from the area and didn't really know anyone...and asked if maybe I wanted to exchange numbers with her. So, I did. I don't have many friends, let alone friends with babies so this was awesome! She seemed very normal and totally nice. We got together for lunch a couple weeks after we exchanged numbers and it was so nice! We've been getting together at least once every 2 weeks since then and we have such a good time together. We have A LOT in common and it's like we've been friends forever. Here's the kicker. I nearly fell over when we were walking the other day and I asked what day is her birthday. Her birthday is the same as Aunt Jo's. Aunt Jo was like my second mother growing up. She was my best friend. She is one of the greatest women I've ever known and although she's been gone for quite awhile now, I think about her each and every day. I gave Maura her middle name, Emily. She meant the world to me. So, did she send Maria to me? Did she know I needed a friend so she sent me one and Maura one? Can you send a thank you to heaven?

GI doc appt

Vince and I took Maura to the GI doctor yesterday. First off, I think he's great. He's Asian, but has a British accent which kinda throws you off at first...LOL. So, the bad news...there's nothing he can do to help. He told us to continue the Prevacid and stop the Zantac. One medication is enough. And basically we just have to wait until she grows out of it. Blah. I'm glad they don't have to do anything invasive, but it sucks they can't help her. I hate seeing her so uncomfortable. Oh, and the good news? We don't need that terribly expensive formula! He said we don't even need to stay on the Alimentum. Similac Sensitive will be just fine :) So, I'm planning on trying to switch back very soon. If it doesn't go well, then we'll stick with the Alimentum. It's more expensive, but we'll do what we have to for her, of course.

So, after the GI doctor, we all went to Men's Warehouse. Vince needed a suit for Maura's baptism. And can I just say I think my hubby's hot? Damn he looks good in a suit ;) Today, I'm going to go shopping and try to find something to fit me. Blah. I'm so disgusted with myself at this weight. Which, brings me to the diet plan. I stopped taking my birth control. The hormones make me hungry ALL.DAY.LONG. and I can't stand it. It also makes me crave things like a crazy person and I won't be happy until I get it. So, as part as my weight loss plan, no birth control for 3 months. Luckily, Vince is ok with it. We both hate condoms. In my opinion, they suck. They take away something from the experience because I feel like there's something between us. Not to mention it hinders the feeling and they stink. Gross. Blah. Does anyone know if the non-latex ones are any better? Hmm, just wondering. But, it'll be well worth it if I can lose some of this weight.

Oh and for some reason, Maura slept from 9pm to 7am this morning. And she woke up happy! She was smiling and cooing at her mobile. Such a good girl!! I hope this is the start of a beautiful trend...LOL!

Where do all the hookers meet?

South Street? I'm headed there because this is definitely the only way we'll be able to afford the $47/can formula the GI doctor told the Pedi to recommend to us. Um, seriously? Who the F can afford that? Our insurance doesn't cover it. The pharmacy told me to take the script to a medical supply store and they might be able to help by saying it's a medical supply that's absolutely necessary. A few people have told me that their child refused to drink it. So, I decided to wait until we see the GI doc next week and discuss exactly what this new formula will do and see if he has samples. I'm definitely not paying $47/can if she won't drink it or if it isn't really going to help anymore than the Alimentum. Then if she really needs it, I will either fight like hell with the insurance and prescription peeps, or start selling myself. I've seen Pretty Woman. I can work it! LOL

Oh? And the kicker? Apparently Medicaid covers it. So, if only I didn't have a job, and a husband and I could rely on the government for everything....WTF?

How do you forget?

Ok, so I know it's been awhile, but I finally have something I need to say. A few things actually.

How come when you start dating, people ask when you're getting engaged? Then, once engaged, it's when's the wedding? After the wedding...they're asking about babies. Now I know the next question, "When will you have another one?" Anyone that asks me that question gets a simple answer...I don't know after all we've been through if we'll ever have another one. Some people are understanding, others are not. Here's some of the things I don't think I will EVER forget:

• Immediately after I was positive my water broke, I said to Vince, "OMG her lungs aren't ready!"
• I never saw my baby's face before they took her away. She was on my chest when Vince cut the cord so I saw the top of her head. Then before the took her away to the Intensive Care Nursery, I got to kiss her after she was all wrapped up, so I couldn't see her. There are no pics of me and my new baby immediately after she was born.
• My baby with a breathing tube down her throat and a feeding tube.
• Not being able to hold her until she was already over 24 hours old. The first picture of mother and daughter was taken then. ugh.
• Feeling like a complete failure that my body didn't produce enough milk while being harassed by everyone and anyone in the ICN. There were even posters telling you that breast milk is best, especially for preemies. It's like being kicked when you're already down.
• We never got a hospital picture taken of her. We don't have the classic pic. This hurts my heart.
• Being discharged from the hospital without my baby. Having to walk out of the hospital with just Vince was heartbreaking.
• Trying to recover and hiking up to the hospital each day to see her with the nurses asking me if I'm taking care of myself. Hmmm, yea please excuse me while I do my Sitz bath in the public bathroom. UGH.
• Deciding it was time to take her the ER after she spent the day coughing, not eating so well, and breathing extremely fast.
• Vince bawling his eyes out after the CHOP doctors asked repeatedly if anyone was sick around her since we took her home. (He had a cold the first few days we brought her home).
• Going home to get enough stuff to be snowed in with Maura at CHOP and returning to her room to hear her crying from the hallway :( Why wasn't someone comforting my baby until I got there? How long was she crying? Vince was holding me back from freaking the hell out.
• The God awful reflux. The endless formula switches. The meds that don't work. The choking that brings us to tears. Hearing my baby cry in pain. Calling the pedi numerous times after hours looking for someone to help. The ultrasound that she screamed through. The upper GI. Wanting nothing more than for someone to help her feel better.
• The lack of sleep.
• The therapist that looked younger than me and wasn't married and certainly appeared to have no children. I know in theory, that shouldn't matter, but it bothered me. Therefore, therapy was a waste of my time.
• Trying to figure out if I should take the Celexa the doctor prescribed for me. Do I have PPD or anxiety or do I have a child with horrible reflux that consumes all my thoughts every minute of every day and completely shares the shit out of me, but justifiably so?
• There are many different sides of Vince. Babies can add a lot of things to a marriage.

So now, I ask, how do people forget this stuff and have another baby? I know it's only been 3 months, but I'm not sure I'll forget any of this. Maura just might be an only child. I feel like a horrible person thinking back to a time when things were easy...like happy day dreaming....I'm a horrible mother. People keep telling me it gets better. It gets easier. I'll forget. But will I?