Cheese Cake

So, today was a good day. The morning started out with a "Ding-Dong" FedEx was at the door with a package! I love packages, especially when I didn't pay for anything! LOL So, DH and I anxiously open it up and it's the most beautiful 12 Chocolate Covered Strawberries I've ever seen from my mom's friend. OMG OMG OMG. Not only are the beautiful, but they are delicious, big and juicy. YUMMY.

Ok, so then DH and I order some pepperoni pizza and french fries for our visit with Maya. YUM again. Maya also brought Cheese cake. Vanilla bean cheese cake with whipped cream and strawberries from the Cheesecake Factory. Yea, it's pretty much orgasmic. Maya also brought Brutus, her 70lb Doberman puppy. Oh my. He loves Vince. He wanted to make love to Vince, which might have been good since he can't get any from me. haha.

Then, Clea comes over and brings her awesome spinach dip complete with bread for dipping. Ok, so do my friends know me or what? Food is like a band-aid which is why my ass is HUGE. But, my spirits are definitely up today :)

So, while stalking my calendar, which I do rather often, I figured out my next 2 cycles. The first of which is completely out because of my pelvic rest. The second, however, if my cycles remain the same as they were pre-D&E, would put the end of my 2ww the week we're in Disney. Umm how awesome is that for a distraction? Hopefully I'll be able to pack without throwing any PG tests in my bag so I can refrain from testing until I get home, but with my POAS addiction, I don't know if that will happen. They probably don't sell any tests in Disney World...so if I don't bring any...then I won't have any...and technically we come home on 12DPO which would be the earliest I would test. But...we don't come home until late in the evening. So, maybe if I only pack one, I'll have to save it for that morning? Hmm...I have plenty of time to figure this out...but do you see where my head is already? God I hope February flies by....

My wonderful husband.

I must say that DH is wonderful. He's been taking such great care of me in the past couple of days. I married a wonderful man. Yesterday he made sure I had everything I needed and even came with me to the bathroom every time I had to go. He didn't leave me alone for a minute. He's awesome. No wonder I want to have a baby so badly with this man. Last night we saw a commercial on TV with a man named Matthew. He pointed it out to me since it's one of my top choices for a boy's name. I then reminded him that he doesn't like that name with my sad face, to which he responded, "Babe, you can name our baby whatever you want." How cute is that? He's totally spoiling me right now and I can't say I mind!!!

Resting comfortably

So, of course I didn't get much sleep last night. I cried for a long time and then between my nose being stuffy and being rather nervous I couldn't fall asleep. I was pretty much restless all night. We got to the hospital around 9:30 and they took me up to pre-op around 10:00. I was supposed to go into the OR around 11, but because the previous case took longer than expected, I was delayed until 12:10ish. The procedure only took about 15-20 minutes. I remember Renee telling me to have sweet dreams, the anesthesia burning my IV and then nothing else until the nurse woke me up in the recovery room. I woke up very groggy with minor cramps. She gave me pain medicine through my IV and then Motrin by mouth after I ate some crackers. I'm having some moderate bleeding right now but really no pain at this time. Thank God!

Today, I'm very hopeful about being about to try again in a month. I have to wait one cycle. This whole thing was very heartbreaking, but I'm glad it's over now. We can have fun trying again ;)

Thanks again for all the hugs, love and support to all my GP girls!!! You helped ease the pain in my heart and for that I'll always be grateful.

today was hard

So, today we went to the hospital to sign some consents for the D&E tomorrow and get some blood drawn. After I signed the consent, I said to Vince "I don't believe I'm here doing this. I really don't want this to be happening." A D&E for a Missed Abortion is what they wrote on the consent. That hurt like hell. Renee was great. She gave me a big hug when we saw her and explained everything thoroughly. Gave us time to ask questions and apoligized that this is happening to us. I'm really glad I found a great doctor. And oddly enough, I was glad to be at my hospital where I work. Seeing everything I knew and getting support and comfort from them was great. At any other hospital, I would just be another woman getting a D&E. I'm sure some people wouldn't want to be where everyone knows them, but I found it very comforting. I'm a little scared for tomorrow. She is going to try to get a piece of tissue to test...but I'm not sure what the point is. Even if it was a chromosome issue, she can't do anything to prevent that from happening the next time. I'm both excited and scared to death to TTC again. I will say that since this happened, my desire to have a baby only increased. I pray to God it happens soon. Please. I hope that made sense...I feel like it didn't...but oh well, it's been a long, hard day.

It's over.

After talking to Renee today, yet again, I decided I'm done. I can't take anymore. She had said that even without the u/s the levels aren't good. Just based on the levels, this isn't a normal pregnancy. So, I opted for the D&E. It's scheduled for Thursday at 11am. At this point, I just see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm looking forward to getting KU again but I'm scared to death. I'm scared of HCG levels and u/s...but I will get through it. My DH has been great thru all of this and so has my mom and dad. Really most of my family and friends have been wonderful, especially my GP girls. Thanks again, for everything.

I surrender.

So, Renee calls this morning to tell me my level went up from Friday yet again. It was 11,218 or something like that. So, of course it didn't double. Why would it do that? Ok, so we talk about what's going on and she suggests that I go for one more u/s on Friday and we'll go from there. I can get my blood drawn, but I don't have to. It's basically all up to me. She's so sweet and informative and I really appreciate that. So, after hanging up with her it's time to go get ready to take Mammy for her follow-up with the ENT that did her surgery. So, I go potty and OMG I see blood when I wipe. UMM WTF?? Ok, so I call Mammy hysterical crying like woah because I can't seem to get the phone to ring trying to call Vince. Ok, so I take some deep breaths and call Renee. I must admit that I was kinda relieved to see the blood. I mean it makes the decision process a lot easier since my body is then bascially telling me it's going to handle it. Ok, fine. Anyway, Renee wants me to go for a STAT u/s to see if the sac is still intact and get blood drawn. Ok, I can do that. I've been doing it like it's my job lately. So, u/s shows no changes from the u/s done on Friday. Sac is still intact. Big freakin' surprise. Won't get blood results 'til tomorrow. In the mean time, no more bleeding. WTF. I am seriously emotionally and physically drained at this point. I'm done. I'm throwing in the white towel. I can't take it anymore. BUT I don't have a choice. If my body isn't going to let go, then I can't either. So, here I sit and wait. Some more. So now I guess I'll wait for the results and look for bleeding. Wonderful.

I talked to my boss on the phone today and luckily he's very understanding. Told me to keep in touch, but to take all the time I need. Him and his wife had a hard time getting pregnant and then some. They eventually used IVF. They have 2 beautiful little boys now, but he knows how hard emotionally it is. I think they've had to deal with at least one m/c if not two.

As I was waiting for the u/s today trying not to pee my pants (I actually drank all the water they told me to like a big dummy) I was reading my book. Funny how I came across this part. A daughter is telling her mother she's expecting her first child.

"Next came the call to my mother. When I rang the house, I could hear KYW in the background. It was an all-news station she listened to throughtout the day. Bullentins of murders and fires and peculiar deaths.

"Well, are you proud of yourself?" she asked.

"What?"

"You're throwing your life away, you know that? Pissing it down your leg."

I stared at Jake.

"Mom?"

"What?"

"I'm going to have a child."

"There are no awards given out," she said."

The first line of the book just happens to be "When all is said and done, killing my mother came easily."

NFT.

Decisions, decisions.

So after thinking about everything that's going on and spending time on misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com I decided that as long as my levels went up on Friday, that I'm going to wait another week or two to schedule the D & E. I think I want one more u/s for piece of mind that's it's really over. Most of the stories of false blighted ovums involve women with a tilted uterus, which I was was once told I have. So, I think as long as I'm in a healthy state and can wait it out and either miscarry naturally, or wait another week before scheduling the D & E, then that's my plan. I will talk to Renee about it on Monday when she calls with my levels. Any advice or opinions would be appreciated. Thanks for caring.

More tears.

Renee called to tell me that it's basically over. She still wants me to get my blood drawn today and she said she'll call me Monday to discuss scheduling a D & E. Oh God help me get thru this.

Typing through the tears

Well, we just got back from the U/S and there is still nothing in the sac. The tech was able to tell me that it got bigger, now dating 6w1d. But that's it. Nothing else to see. I'm beyond disappointed. I'm trying so hard to remain positive, but it's so hard. My heart is just breaking. I don't know what to think. I'm waiting for Renee to call. I'm guessing I'll have to get more blood work and another u/s next week sometime. I'm sorry, but I don't even know what else to write right now. I can't stop crying. God, this sucks.

Going up!

Well, Renee just called....my level is now up to 9200. So, it's going up! Not doubling...but it's going up which is still a good thing! So, I'm both excited and nervous for the u/s tomorrow! Please pray we see something in the sac!!!

So, last night we went over Paula and Keith's for dinner. Paula wanted to share her PG story with me, since she was also having non-doubling betas. And she has a beautiful, healthy 8 month old daughter. When we were leaving, she didn't want to go back to Paula, she was clinging on to me! I think it's good juju!!!

In other news...haha...I've been very nauseous since yesterday. No womiting (thank God) but lots of gagging. It's starting to fade now, but I'm still pretty cautious to eat something. Ahh! I'm kinda excited to feel that way...it's gotta be a good sign, right? We'll see!

Yet another update.

Well, after not hearing from the doc yesterday, I got a phone call first thing this morning from Renee. Since she wasn't there yesterday, no one else decided to call me. But anyway, my level went up again, but definitely not doubled. It's about 7800 now. I called and rescheduled my u/s appt from Monday to Friday. I figured the sooner I get it over with the better. So, I go Friday at 11:00. I still have to go today and get my blood drawn at around 3:15. I tried to keep it around the same time that I went on Monday so there's no issue about the times. Ugh. This is so frustrating. I'm VERY nervous for the u/s. The last time we went they didn't let Vince come in at first. The tech said she wanted to get measurements first. This time I'm going to insist he comes in. I don't understand why they wouldn't let him in. I think I really need him to be there this time, since I don't know what's going to happen really.

So, an update on Mammy. Her sinus surgery went very well according to the doc yesterday. She had a lot of pressure and pain yesterday and this morning. And she couldn't sleep last night cause she had to sit up. So, I'm hoping she gets some rest today and tonight. Pray for her!

Update on levels.

Not good news today from Renee. My level didn't double from Thurs to Sat. It did go up...but not too much. It went from around 4900 to 5900. So, of course I'm very worried. I cried a lot. I read some inspiring stories on the internet by women who had similar problems and very healthy babies and pregnancies. Who knows. It still could be ok. Renee said "Don't lose hope, but it is concerning." So I'm trying to remain positive. Please pray for us.

FYI

I updated my profile. I didn't know it was blank. oops.

blood work.

So, means I was at work and just glad I had a minute to answer the phone...I didn't get the exact number. But my level from Thursday after the u/s was over 4000. So, on Monday I'll get the results back from today's b/w to compare. It would make sense if I was only a little over 5 weeks since that's what my HCG level and the U/S show. I'm really trying not to worry. It's so hard being a nurse (especially on a floor that does GYN which includes anything not baby related OB stuff, i.e. ectopics, miscarriages, and still births) because I know WAY more than I want to right now. But, I'm really trying to remain positive. After looking at my chart and considering the spotting I had the same day AF was due, I'm guessing I implanted quite late since Renee called it "implantation spotting." So, I'm hanging in there for now. Praying and talking to baby helps, too. I really hope the levels doubled for today's blood work. Please God.

Worried...

We went for an u/s today. I'm supposed to be 6w2d based on my chart. They only saw a sac on the u/s that the tech said was measuring 5w2d. I went to get my blood HCG levels drawn again today...and I have to get another on Saturday. Another u/s in 10 days. I know it's possible that I O'd late...or that implantation took place later than we thought..but I can't help but worry. Everyone keeps telling me to chill out. Well that's a lot easier said than done. After we left the imaging place I sat in the car and cried my eyes out. I called my mom who tried to reassure me, but I couldn't help my bawl my eyes out. Vince was probably very worried also, and disappointed we didn't get to see the baby...but he was very supportive.

I was supposed to go to the doc today for my first appt...but I figured that wasn't necessary. I called the office and Renee called me back within a few minutes telling me about the blood tests and scheduling another u/s. Luckily, she was able to fax the blood slip requests to me so I didn't have to drive into the city to pick them up. I guess my biggest worry is a blighted ovum. I just want to get in bed, curl up and cry.

Anyway, Mammy gets her surgery next week. I took off a few days to help her out, then I work Thursday and Friday. I'm going to schedule my next u/s for Monday since I'm off and that will be exactly 10 days. Please pray for us!

The shirts were a big hit!!

So, we told my Daddy, Grandparents, and Bro/SIL/nephew and niece. Everyone is so excited!!! Here's the pictures of the kids with their "going to be a big cousin" shirts on....the shirts are a little big...but they worked!!!

Telling the Inlaws :)

So, we drove to the inlaws today to take them out for their birthdays. FIL was last week and MIL is this week. I bought a card at Hallmark that says something like We just wanted to let you know....that we're expecting a little bundle of fun. So, we handed that to MIL when we walked in the door. She opened it...totally ignoring the words in the card and just reading what I wrote. Which said, Happy Birthday! We love you guys! Love, Vincent and Lisa (and baby, too). So she looks up at me and says, "and Baby? Who the turtle?" I said, "umm, NO. His name is Tuga" And then she started crying and hugging me! They are very excited to be expecting their 10th grandchild!!! We stopped afterwards to tell Vince's sister, BIL and their kids and they were all excited, also. All 3 of our nieces were there, so I recruited some babysitters already!! Although the little one who's 7 doesn't seem to wanna change any diapers LOL.

Tomorrow we'll be telling my Daddy. Mammy has been successful at not telling him all week!! Yay! My grandparents live with them, so they will find out tomorrow also. And my bro and SIL and niece and nephew will there for dinner. We bought them shirts that say "I'm going to be a big cousin" so that's gonna be how we tell my bro and SIL. I'll let you know how that goes!!!

I told my mom...and got good news the next day!

So, I know this is kinda late...but I told my mom on Monday. I couldn't take it anymore...I just had to. We are super close and spend a lot of time together and it was killing me not to be able to tell her. So on Monday, after getting the okay from Vince I decided I would go ahead and tell her. We were planning on going to the mall...something we do A LOT. I definitely needed to get a new bra and she was going to help me search. Trust me, this is not an easy adventure. So, anyway, for some reason I was so nervous. hehe. So we get in the car and she says she wants to call my cousin...but I made her feel bad so she wouldn't because I didn't want her on the phone when we got to the mall. We have parking spots next to the handicapped ones that say "FOR EXPECTANT MOTHERS" complete with a stork and a baby. haha. I always say I'm going to park there someday since it's so close to the door when it's so freaking cold! I head down that way with her yelling at me cause she wanted to park near Boscovs and I totally ignored her and turned the other way. haha. So, as I turn into the spot Mammy says, "You can't park here...you're not pregnant" I say, "I'm not?" She says, "No. Wait, you are?" I say, "umm yea!" And that's when she started freaking out and crying saying, "my baby is having a baby!!!" We hugged and cried for a few minutes when I gave her the details of when I found out and getting the blood draws because I was spotting and all that. She thought it was soo cute the way I told her. Since we're mall rats and all. haha. She's very excited and it was so nice to finally tell her.

The next day, Mammy and I took Amanda to get her 2 year old pics. Of course we took Giovanni, too, to get a pic of both of them together. They came soo great! They are adorable. I can't wait to see them with their new little cousin in September! Anyway, while we were there, Renee (doc) called to tell me my last two levels were great so unless I really wanted to, I didn't have to get my blood drawn anymore. I was really happy to hear that. If I didn't have to work, it wouldn't have been a big deal to get the blood drawn just for piece of mind anyway, but I would have had to walk a couple of blocks from work in the freezing cold rainy snowy weather to get it done. So, I had to pass on that! I did, however, schedule my ultrasound for Thursday which will be followed by my first doc appt. I'm very nervous. It still doesn't seem real and it's still early. Hopefully the u/s and appt will make me feel more at ease about everything.

ugh.

So, long story short. The doc never called and I'm not happy about it. I tried calling the office twice with no results. So, I guess I have to wait until Monday now for any results. Blah.

Anyway, being around everyone and not saying anything is soo hard! I've been spending a ton of time with my mom...who mentions me having a baby like 3 times each time I see her. LOL. Last night I was with some family friends for game night and it's so hard not to say anything. And it seems like everyone is talking about babies or pregnancy or something! I can't wait to get the results and figure out how and when to tell everyone. Vince and I talked a little bit about it today and basically he said it's up to me when we tell people. I don't really know why but I'm really nervous about it.

My cousin and her hubby invited us to go to Disney World with them in March. We would stay in there timeshare place with them. So exciting...just hoping that my pregnancy goes well enough to go! We'll have to tell them soon, though, cause they need us to make a decision. I hope they don't mind going with a girl that's KU. NO roller coasters for me! hehe.

here goes nothing...

Good Morning! So, I don't really know where to start. We found out last weekend that I'm knocked up! I've been off birth control for 3 months. After I stopped taking it, I began charting to make sure I was ovulating...but obviously there was no problem there! I will say that charting was really interesting. I loved to watch the natural way my temp would react to ovulation. I'm a dork, I know. I didn't have many pregnancy symptoms...at 4 DPO (days post ovulation) I passed out at work giving tours to nursing students. EVERYONE kept asking if I was pregnant. Well, honestly at that point, I wasn't! Then around 9/10 DPO I got the beginning of a sinus infection that just got worse and worse. I got some antibiotics and I feel much better. Thank God! Other than that, I don't really "feel" pregnant.

So, because of some spotting I had to go to the ER on Monday. My blood HCG level was 48 mIU/L, which thank goodness was in range. The ultrasound didn't really show much, but that's because it's still too eary. I had to have my blood re-drawn on Wednesday to make sure the levels are going up. But I haven't gotten the results yet. I'm waiting for Renee (my OB) to call. I have to get my blood drawn again today and Monday to make sure the levels continue to rise. They should double each day. So, we'll see. And then I should be getting another ultrasound.

We have to figure out when and how we're going to tell everybody. Well, I need to go get some breakfast before I have to get ready to go :) The baby is hungry!