New Bump Pics :0)

Ok, so this is me being nice to Vince and wearing a Steelers shirt "for the baby" since I'm not a Steelers fan! LOL






And this is my official 18w4d bump shot:

I think my ass looks just as big as my bump...haha. Anyway, Big US is Friday at 1pm. I'm very excited, but very nervous for some reason. I just want to hear that baby is healthy and that everything is ok. My intuition tells me I'm having a girl. Every bone in my body says girl, but we'll see. I know these "feelings" tend to be wrong...LOL. So, we'll see! I'll keep you posted ;)

Appt update

So, I saw Renee today and everything looks good! I've gained about 5lbs so far which she said is fine. She had the same problem I've been having finding the heartbeat...she said we're in trouble cause this baby is on the move!! When she was finally able to pin it down it was in the upper 140s so she was pleased. She reviewed the results of the NT scan/blood tests with me and said they are very good and she's very optimistic for a healthy baby :) I can't ask for anything more at this point with everything looking good and me feeling good.

Next up: BIG U/S next Friday!! Vote to the right...boy or girl...

Just about 18 weeks...

and I'm feeling pretty darn good. It's kinda scary sometimes actually! So far I've felt what I think is the baby a few times in the last week...but not sure if that's what I'm really feeling yet. Honestly, it seems like all I do these days is eat. I eat everything and anything. I love food and dessert...lately my craving has been for buffalo chicken. Delicious. And I'm not too picky about what's for dessert. haha. I got the results to the second part of the NT blood test, which thank God was negative! Baby is at the lowest risk! Yay! I see Renee on Wednesday this week, so hopefully everything will be ok. I'm still very nervous something is wrong but I don't know why. I LOVE the doppler Jess sent me and being able to hear the hb whenever I want. It's so easy to find now! Next week is the BIG u/s...it's on Friday the 18th and I'm SUPER excited. A lot of people were saying girl in the beginning...but now it seems boy is the more popular pick. We still don't agree on a boys name. I dream A LOT about little girls. I think my face changed, but no one else seems to agree. I also started breaking out a lot so I guess we'll see. My mom said we'll know what baby is before I start to really look like boy or girl..LOL.

On the 23rd we leave for Disney! Woot! I'm hoping I still feel just as good as I do now and can stand the long days walking around in the heat. I'm SO weirded out at the thought of this being our last time their without any kids! Crazy stuff. Certainly not what I was thinking when I booked the trip before I got PG...LOL I worked today for time and a half and for a "free" day off to help with our trip and I'm so glad I did. I had an amazingly easy day and worked with some of my fav nurses! yay!

I can't believe the summer is over but I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fall!! It's definitely my most favorite season. I love everything about it but halloween. Halloween is just not my thing, although I enjoy seeing the kids and going treat or tricking with Giovanni and Amanda every year. One year I went to a funeral themed party at my cousins, in which I was a nun. I was thinking of pulling out the costume to be a pregnant nun...LOL...that may just be too much not nice though haha.

So, hopefully I'll remember to update again after my appt...if I don't, remind me! And I know I need to post more belly pics...I'm going to take some before my appt on Wednesday, I promise!

15 Weeks!

So, I'm 15 weeks this week and feeling pretty good. Feeling good makes me nervous though LOL. My next appt isn't until 9/9 so I have to wait until then to get confirmation from Renee. It feels like it's so far away. I think I got used to seeing Renee every week for awhile there!! I've gotten a little bit bigger, too. I have to take some new pictures soon. My cravings for the past few weeks have been salad dressing and smarties. YUM.

One of my friends at work is PG. She's 8 weeks and it's so exciting to have someone to talk baby about at work! Otherwise, I love having my GP friends, which really are a great group of girls. A few days ago my BFPB Jessica (Carter's Mommy, yay!) sent me her doppler in the mail so I can use it since she won't need it for awhile! She's so sweet! Yay! Thanks again Jess ;) Then today I had lunch with Monkey and Rogue...it was a great time! Next weekend I'll be meeting up with Lyse and maybe MrsH for lunch! It's so nice connecting with the GP girls. I wish I could meet everyone! Isn't time you saw the Liberty Bell? LOL

So, the heartbeat has been a little hard to find with the doppler so far. I think the baby is just so active! The first night we couldn't find it at all and I tried not to get worried, but I was bummed about it. Last night we found it for a couple seconds maybe. But earlier tonight we found it for a good 10 seconds!!! It's in the 150s! Woot! I still don't believe this is real. I mean I saw the baby on the multiple u/s I've had and I hear the heartbeat but I still can't believe it. I'm hoping to feel the first movements and kicks soon so I can really let it sink in! I'm very anxious to start the registry and the nursery and all that stuff! I'm going to get some stuff gender neutral and some other stuff gender specific, so some things I won't be able to plan on until after our anatomy scan on the 18th of Sept.

We still are having a hard time with a boys name. I'm pretty sure we decided on a girls name. It would either be Amelia Emily or Maura Emily. I think Maura Emily flows better, but I don't think it matters much because how many times do you really use your middle name? So, we'll see. And if we find out it's a boy...we're going to have to get a name book and try to agree on something.

In other news, my nephew that seems to have gone from 6 months to 6 years old started football! His first game is coming in soon, but here's a pic from practice. He's so cute!

Baby bump!

This were taken this morning, 14w2d! Starting to pop out for sure!!

I'm sorry, I suck at blogging!

Yea, so I'm sorry it's taken so long to update...but I honestly didn't think anyone reads my blog. I've gotten a few comments about not updating...so I guess I should! So, I had my NT Scan July 28th. The scan itself was awesome! I drank all the water that they told me to, though, like a dumbass. I was seriously going to pee my pants since they were running way behind and we had to wait for a while. When I finally got back there and on the table I couldn't even straighten my legs out. The tech put the wand on my stomach and couldn't even see the baby because my bladder was way TOO full! So, I had to empty it a bit. She got some great pictures at first but couldn't get the measurements she needed because the baby wasn't moving around enough. S/he was just laying there at the bottom on my uterus as if it were a hammock! hehe. So, she made me pee again, and then the little one was moving too much! It was amazing! Finally, she was able to get the measurements and everything was great and with the blood work, the results came back great. We're at the lowest risk for everything at that point! More bloodwork on August 21st. Here's some pics: I haven't taken a recent belly pic, although I promise to get one soon. So, now that I'm 14 weeks I'm feeling much better. I've been feeling very nervous though lately. I can't seem to shake the feeling that something is wrong...I'm hoping its just a natural fear that sets in since my constant reminders that I'm pregnant are pretty much gone. I can eat!! In fact, I eat way too much and everything I want is soooooo bad for me, but I can't help it! I've been eating a lot of cheese, too. And last week I wanted lots of Milky Way's...but this week it's Twix. I haven't wanted much chocolate at all...this is all I want though. I used to eat KitKats or Peppermint Patties all the time but have no desire to eat any chocolate other than what I mentioned. It's pretty weird. Today I want Olive Garden salad (mostly just the dressing). But no one wanted to go with me :0( sniff, sniff.

So, Vince and I have been talking about names recently. And all I can say is I hope this baby is a girl because we don't agree on ANY boys names. Ah!

Ok, so I totally suck.

I haven't updated my blog in like forever. I know, I suck and I'm sorry. So, first of all I saw Renee again for my 10 week appointment and everything looks great! Here's a pic:

You can actually see arms and legs! Woot! We scheduled the NT scan for July 28th so I'm excited and nervous about that. Next appt with Renee is Aug 4th.

So, as far as how I've been feeling...well, I've been having good days and bad. One day I did't need the Zofran at all and some days I've needed it once, other days I'm still miserable. This week is the first week that I've actually been exhausted. I can't believe it! Here's the little pg survey...

How far along: 11 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: down 6lbs

Maternity clothes: I got a few things on sale for when we go to Disney in Sept. I'm guessing at 20 weeks I won't be fitting in the clothes I've been wearing now. I'm kinda excited to wear them :)

Stretch marks: just the ones I've always had

Sleep: Honestly, this is the first week I've felt exhausted. Some nights I sleep great, other nights aren't not even close to great. Last night I slept around 11 hours...now I just hope I can sleep tonight.

Best moment this week: Going a whole day with no Zofran! Woot!

Movement: too soon

Food cravings: cheese, especially Cracker Barrel sharp cheddar

Gender: Well, I had an early dream that it is a girl. Lately, I'm totally convinced it's a boy. And people I've been talking to all have their own guesses. I'm excited to see if next week at the NT scan if the doc will take a guess...

Labor signs: none, thank God.

Belly button: In.

What I miss: my back not hurting...

What I am looking forward to: NT scan next week.

Weekly wisdom: none

Milestones: getting this far!

Ok, so that's that. Yesterday morning I took my first belly pic:

I still really just feel bloated. Oh, and my boobs are out of control. They are huge and shopping makes me miserable. I finally found a bathing suit and my mom had to sew a modesty piece on the chest because there were boobs everywhere. It's ridiculous. I tried on a cute maternity shirt, you know the ones with the ties under the boobs? Well, yea if I actually put it under my boobs then you can see half my nipple. If I cover my boobs, the tie is across my boobs. So, I'm guessing I won't be wearing any of those shirts. or dresses. Damn.

So, anyway, I'm going to try and be good and update my blog more often. I'm still convinced that my life is boring and no one really wants to read this crap. LOL

Great news!!

So, I saw the high risk doc today in Renee's absence. After waiting for a few minutes, he came in and asked a few questions first. I swear he is the biggest sweetheart. I'm so happy he'll have a part in my care. Anyway, after getting caught up on exactly what's going on, he puts the goop on my belly and puts the wand on there. And poof, there's a picture on the screen in which he states "This is good!" I think that's when I actually started to breath. He says, "See how big the baby got since last week?" Oh, wow, look at that! Much bigger. So, I ask, "Heartbeat?" to which he replies, "Strong and Fast Mama!" Whew. I think my heart stopped beating so fast and I became sooo relieved at that. OMG. Mom was texting Vince so he wouldn't freak out worrying. We are so relieved and happy. Of course, not all my fears are gone, but I think I can actually start to relax and enjoy being PG. Well, besides the puking...LOL Woot!!! Here's the new picture:

Slow motion

Time seems to be moving in slow motion. Ever since last Thursday time just drags on and on and on. Usually the days fly on by so this REALLY sucks. I've been analyzing every symptom that I have and whether or not I still have it...I'm driving myself crazy. I'm HORRIBLY constipated thanks to the zofran. Ugh. I've tried a few things today, so we'll see how I feel tomorrow. I have to work tomorrow for 12 hours so hopefully it'll go by fast...although I would love to be called off...LOL. So, we'll see. Everyone keeps telling me they think everything is fine...but then again, what are they going to say?

Trying to remain positive :/

So, I saw Renee today. She did an abdominal u/s in which she couldn't find the heartbeat. Luckily, the high risk OB was there and she called him in. He found the heartbeat rather quickly but was still concerned because it's what they consider to be low. It seems that there is a rather wide range span for early heartbeat from the quick research I did. The American Pregnancy Association says that 90-110 is normal for the 7 week mark. My OB wanted it to measure 120 or above. So, basically I'm in limbo until next Thursday when we try again. I'm trying to remain positive and optimistic, but it's so difficult. It's a lot easier said than done. Renee said that right now there are no special restrictions for me to follow. Basically, whatever will be, will be and there's nothing I can do either way....nothing to help, nothing to hurt. So, luckily I have plans or something to do everyday up until my next appt. My mom is going to come with me to the appt since Vince can't really take too many days off work and one or another, he's going to need them. I'm going to need support, or someone to celebrate with, and my mom is perfect either way if Vince can't be there. Renee isn't in the office next week so I'll be seeing the high risk doc, which is fine with me. So, please send any positive thoughts my way that you can and please say prayers. My symptoms are still kicking my butt, so hopefully that's a good sign!

Another appt, etc.

So, I saw Renee yesterday morning. My progesterone was perfect! Woot! So, I'm excited about that. I guess I'm just one of those women who spot...which is fine if the baby is fine. The abdominal u/s in her office still doesn't show much, so she wants to see me again next week, which is fine by me! I love seeing the baby in there!!

Unfortunately, last night, I puked. I'm such a big baby about throwing up. I just hate it so much. I know it means things are good for baby, but ugh. I hate it. It makes me not want to go anywhere, just in case. We'll see how it goes for the next couple weeks. I'm hoping it doesn't last long.

Every night when Vince and I get in bed, we pray. After we pray we kiss each other goodnight. Now, Vince leans down and kisses baby goodnight, too. He's so cute. I wanted to go out and get him something for Father's Day, but I'm not sure my stomach will cooperate with that plan. We'll see!

Woot!!!

OMG...there's a baby! The u/s tech made me very nervous. She didn't say a word the whole time she did the abdominal part and was pushing around pretty hard. Ouch. Then, I went pee and she did the transvaginal part. Again, without saying a word. She was making plenty of faces at the screen...with an occassional sigh. She told me to raise my hips up once...and to take a deep breath...neither of which she made me do the last time. And she had the screen tilted so I couldn't see it. Then suddenly after what felt like forever she asked if I had someone with me. I said yes, my husband is waiting...his name is Vince. So she said, I hate to leave you like this, but I need to step out for a minute, be right back. And, there I laid on the table with the probe up my hoo-ha almost in tears cause I had no idea what was going on. So, a few minutes later she came back in with Vince. She turned the screen towards us and pointed at OUR BABY! She showed us the heart rate and told me I'm measuring 5w6d, which is one day ahead of my estimation from my O date. So, all good news! I'm uber excited, but still very nervous. We cautiously told immediate family and close friends...but we're holding out telling everyone for a few more weeks, especially since I'm still spotting. It's all brown and a little lighter, but still makes me nervous. Renee told me to keep my appointment with her on Thursday morning so I'm looking forward to that to maybe see baby again! Thanks for all your well wishes and prayers and keep them up if you can!

Still spotting...

It's now Sunday and the spotting started on Thursday. I have periods of brown and some of pink. Sometimes it makes it to my underwear/panty liner, sometimes it's only when I wipe. Yesterday it kinda looked like the funky stuff I was seeing during the mid-cycle bleeding, so I'm hoping that means it's not affecting the baby. But, I'm still very nervous and anxious to get the blood results and the u/s tomorrow. I'm trying to remain optimistic and happy, but that's pretty hard to do.

On another note, today is Vince and I's first anniversary! Yay! I can't believe a year has gone by already....it's weird. It seems like the last year flew by...and although it's only been a year it seems like we've been together forever!!

still spotting...

So, I spotted more this morning than I did all day yesterday. Blah. Still brown...no red thank God. But, when I talked to Renee and let her know it increased since yesterday she said it's certainly *concerning* She said as much as I don't want to hear that word again, she didn't want to have to say it to me. Then she gave me my hcg level from yesterday. And it's a whopping 14,000! My highest level for my last pregnancy right before the D&E was only around 13,000 and that was about 7/8 weeks in...so this is great news! She said the level was encouraging! So, that helped me feel better. So, I'm going tomorrow for the blood work (including progesterone) and then on Monday for the transvaginal u/s since I don't think I should wait. Please say prayers!

Not again. Please not again.

So this morning when I woke up and peed, I noticed some brown-pinkish discharge when I wiped. Oh no. I took some deep breaths and got ready for work. Hoped that it would go away. Well, it didn't. It actually made it to my underwear by the next time I had to pee again. So, I called Renee and she told me to come to the office on my lunch break and she'd check me out. She did an abdominal u/s which gave us a clear picture of the sac. She said she THINKS she saw something in there which makes me feel better...but I can't wait for the transvaginal u/s. She gave me a slip to get one, as well as blood work today and Saturday to make sure the levels are doubling. So, depending on the results of those I'm going to see when I want to get the u/s. Either Monday, Thursday or Friday. I want to go when I'll see the most. I'm scared to death to go and see nothing in there like the last time. That will be my worst nightmare at this point. So, please pray for good blood levels that double.

Ok, Ok.

I know I haven't blogged since my BFP and I'm sorry. Things have been super busy around here! So, on Monday morning after the BFPs, I called Renee to let her know the news and unfortunately she isn't going to order any blood work or ultrasounds right now. I do have an early appt next Thursday when I'll be 6w1d. She mentioned doing an abdominal u/s but I know you can't see much. If that's the case, I'm going to ask her if I can get the transvaginal one done. I really need something to settle my nerves. I'm feeling much more pregnant this time around if that makes any sense, so that is comforting. I just started taking B6 this morning to see if that will help, although right now I'm more queasy than before I took it. LOL!

Woot!!

Digital confirmation....nothing like seeing that word pop up!!!

FRER's from yesterday and today to compare. Getting darker!!!! And I bought another couple for the next couple of days....LOL

9DPO/Day of scheduled massage

Ok, this is a late entry, but hey: better late than never, right?

So, here's the play by play. I wake up at 3am and PIAC and go back to bed. I hear Vince get up at 5:17 to get ready for work. I ignore him and roll over because I can't pee again yet. I sleep and dream and dream and sleep until 9:30 when I fight with myself to get up because I really don't feel like. I don't need to get up and take a shower until like 11. I get up and realize I feel kinda crappy like I'm getting sick. Ugh. I should have stayed in bed. So, once again I PIAC for good measure since I don't have actual FMU. So, now I have 2 cups full of pee and two HPTs. So, I dip the early-preg-test.com one in one of the cups and use the dropper thingy for the $tree test. I don't pay much attention to which I dip in where because I know it's not going to be positive. I feel like I have in previous months...well, maybe a tad different, but still nothing really screams YOU'RE PG at me...so I got about my business of emptying out the cups and getting rid of them. I get my phone and look at a few things...and then I glance at the tests. I don't believe my eyes...is that a line? I look at it by the window using sunlight...I put my glasses on...I look again in the bathroom under the light...I put my contacts in...I start to panic. SERIOUSLY? 9DPO? OMG OMG OMG. So, I call Vince freaking out and tell him I think I see a line, what should I do? He suggests I take the test to my moms and see if she can see it since I said she would be the only one I would tell this time around until the u/s. All of this because I decided I wouldn't go for the massage if it was positive...I had my reasons. I text a few of my BFPBs that I know are already awake for work yelling in my message...lol.

So, I hurry up and get dressed...I didn't even brush my teeth! I call my mom and give her fair warning that I need her to look at something and I'm on my way. So, I run in and ask where everyone is since I don't want anyone else to know. Pop was in the kitchen and Gram and Daddy were still upstairs. So, I show her. She sees something, but am I sure that means something? YES I'M SURE!!! haha. So, I continue to freak out. I call my friend and tell her no massages...she says its ok cause she's broke anyway. We went to lunch instead with my mom, niece and nephew. Always a good time.

When I got home, the $tree test dried very nicely and I could get a pic of the test so I sent it to my BFPBs who confirmed there was a line!! Woot!

So, fast forward to this morning, 10DPO and I wake up as soon as the sun is shining in at 6:30! I decide to use an FRER, a $tree test and an early-preg-tests.com test. The FRER is much darker than the others. The $tree test is pretty easy to see...but the early-preg-test is still extremely faint. I thought they were supposed to all be the same sensitivity, but maybe not.

My symptoms for anyone who's interested: my boobs are not really what I would say is sore...they kinda feel like they feel when I'm really cold. Firm and like my nipples are hard, but they aren't. Pretty strange. They also hurt when I woke up the other day after laying on them all night. I was waking up in the middle of the night to pee for a couple nights...maybe starting at 7DPO, but I didn't think anything of it. I have tiny little cramps, but I usually get that every cycle.

Things we did differently this cycle: we didn't have a sex marathon. I didn't temp, therefore decreasing stress and helping me sleep better. I didn't do everything based on IF I was PG like in previous cycles...I just lived my life. I did some different religious things, including attending a Novena at Saint Rita's who is known to help impossible or difficult situations. I think that's about it. I'm so tired right now I'm not even sure any of this makes sense.

Hopefully I'll have a digital pic to post tomorrow!!!

Here's the pics:

9DPO

10DPO $tree

FRER 10DPO

Testing...

So, I'll be testing early this cycle. 9DPO to be exact. I have a massage scheduled for Friday which will be 9DPO...so I will test when I wake up and if the test is negative (which I'm guessing it will be) I'll be off to get my massage. If it's positive, I'll be calling to tell Clea I can't go. So, we'll see what happens. I'm hoping this decision is the right one. So far I'm not having any strong phantom symptoms. Just the same old symptoms I get every cycle, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I'm trying to prep myself for the BFN so I don't get so down. I have to stop getting so down each month. Not temping was the best thing for me this cycle. I've been sleeping MUCH better, so I think I'll take next month off, too. And, so that's that.

Memorial day was a lot of fun. We got the kids a pirate ship pool for the backyard and they had SO much fun. Amanda thought being in water outside had to be the coolest thing EVER. And Giovanni is such a boy...rough and tough! Here's some pics:

so much for the plan...

Whatever happened with my last cycle, my ovary decided to stay true to the 19 day O rule, which made me O early this cycle. Does that make sense? I O'd late last cycle, but this cycle I O'd as if I O'd on time last cycle...sorry if I'm not making sense. Sometimes that happens...haha. But that screwed up my "plan" because until I started getting O pains and fertile CM I didn't think it would happen that way. So, we screwed up the same exact sex pattern as the BFP cycle. Figures.

Everyone has a kid...or one on the way...

We had a friend's daughters 1st bday party today and since I got called off work, I could go. Well, hindsight would tell you that I would have been better off going to work. Vince's friend and his wife that we're good friends with meet us at our house and follow us there. I knew it was going to be hard. We found out that we were pregnant at the same time, but of course she's still pg and I'm not. It was rather difficult to see her although I'm very happy for them. So, then we get to the party and there's a bunch of kids running around. All of Vince's co-workers have kids, except for the ones that are PG. I was surrounded by kids...and of course all the women kept asking J how she felt...and all that. When one of them asked her what her biggest PG complaint so far was I had to get up and walk away. I was so upset the whole time I couldn't even eat. There was tons of food and I ate nothing but a few pretzels that were on the table and a small piece of cake. Which, if you know me, I don't pass up food. I had to keep from crying quite a few times. I didn't sleep good last night and I'm still spotting which probably has my emotions a little wacky. Ugh. Vince has been super nice since we left so I'm sure he knows I'm dying inside, but I won't say anything. I'm trying, what can I say?

Some stuff...

First of all a few days ago Mammy and I were out doing some stuff. She noticed my mood is different and is picking up on the fact that I'm kinda upset and down about not being pregnant. Thanks to my m/c EVERYONE knows we're TTC and I think anyone that willingly tells their families are NUTS. So, she offers me this advice: Lose weight. She says the 10 pounds I put on since my wedding and then the other 10 since the m/c could be keeping me from getting pg. She knows some women that just lost a few pounds and got pg. Now, she says she's not saying I'm fat...just that a few pounds could help me conceive. Thanks Mom.

Anyway, I've been chugging along waiting to O which seems to take FOREVER these days. So, I'm trying to keep to "the plan" so we had sex today. Well, that's when I discovered I'm bleeding. Great. Just great. It's more than spotting...and bright red. I'm guessing it was a cyst, but I don't know. The weird thing is, since I started charting, I've spotting almost every cycle around the same day, CD 12, 13 or 14. What do you make of that? I'm going to call my GYN on Monday and see if there's something we should look into. I don't know if it's good or bad...but I did spot the cycle I got KU...but then obviously I m/c'd so I'm not sure what to make of that.

We went to a family party today for my little cousin's bdays and my Aunt kissed me hello and then told me my face "looks different" so I told her I'm not PG, just a little fatter. She said, no you're not fatter...it's something else. Well, I don't know.

What's my temp?

I don't know. And I won't know. Hopefully for a long, long time. I stopped temping....I decided after finally sleeping thru the night for a few nights while AF was here that I need a break. Even Vince asked me to stop this cycle knowing I haven't been sleeping well and it kinda stresses me out. Now, I know that not temping towards the end of my cycle is going to have me stressing out, too...but hopefully I'll be ok.

So, the official plan for this cycle is as follows:

1. NO temping.
2. Keep track of CM
3. Start OPKs and Mucinex on CD16
4. Start sexing it up on CD16
5. Pray

So, that's it. We'll see what happens...hopefully my stress level won't be too high this cycle. Last cycle it was way too high and I was a mess. I definitely can't keep doing that month after a month. So, I wasn't a mother for mother's day, but I pray to God I can make Vince a Daddy for Father's day.

Pity Party.

I feel like a total failure. I'm well aware that getting pregnant is nothing I can control, per se, but nonetheless, I'm beating myself up. I looked at Vince this morning while he was putting gel in his hair and thought to myself, "As usual, men have it easy. He puts in the "baby batter" and I'm supposed to bake the cake....I'm such a failure." Now, I know he doesn't think this. Not one bit. And deep down, I don't believe it...but it doesn't prevent me from thinking it. I wish I could be more like Vince right now. He's not worried about having a baby. He doesn't let it take over his life. My life = baby, or lack there of, 24/7.

When I started charting...I was excited. When my body did what it was supposed to and my chart looked awesome with a clear shift I couldn't be more thrilled. Not ovulating was a big fear of mine. I was only off bcp one cycle before I started charted. The first month charting I honestly wasn't sure what I was doing. I was sleeping good, waking up, taking my temp and watching my chart shape up in something I would just stare at in amazement. The second cycle, I had a game plan. I totally carried it out and it was exhilarating when I got a BFP. Wow! Within a couple weeks my excitement turned to complete and utter disappointment. Everything had failed me. I was so excited I never even considered the possibility of a m/c. And then it was happening to me. There it was on MY chart...the ugliest words ever written MISSED ABORTION and D&E. Now every time I'm asked if I was ever PG before, I must say yes and remember that horrible time in our lives.

Now, I don't sleep well. I don't know if it's related to a medication that I stopped taking since we're TTC or if I'm too anxious about taking my temp or just totally stressed out by the whole TTC process. But, I'm getting annoyed. I'm exhausted, which sure doesn't help my mood and/or enegery. I'm happiest in the 2ww when I'm convincing myself I'm KU. I'm such an idiot. I keep my hopes so high that I fall so hard. I try telling myself that I'm totally not KU so then I expect the BFNs and AF so I don't get so disappointed...but I'm such a dreamer so of course that doesn't work. Then of course when AF shows up, my hormones are going crazy which really sucks and makes things extremely worse. I mean what could be worse right after getting the news that you're not pregnant...surely not AF. Blah.

Although mostly everyone IRL knows that we're TTC now since the m/c, I can't really talk to anyone about it. I'm not sure anyone that hasn't actively tried to get PG really would understand. I don't think anyone who hasn't been PG really understands the devastation of a m/c.

OMG I just realized that I'm totally rambling. Well, anyway, AF showed today and I'm really bummed. I'm better at work; when I'm there, I don't cry. I'm moving onto cycle 7. I'm not sure what my plan is going to be for this cycle. I haven't decided if I should temp or not. Temping may be causing me not to sleep, therefore adding stress. Not temping may lead to not knowing what's going on and therefore add stress. So, I have some serious thinking to do. It seems like I keep watching everyone on GP get PG and I feel very left behind.

Well, thanks for coming to my pity party. I seriously hope you didn't just torture yourself reading all that crap. Give me a few days and I'll be ok. I hope. Or at least until the end of next cycle and another BFN.

Implantation cramps?

So now that AF hasn't shown...I'm pretty positive FF has my O date wrong. By a few days nonetheless...so more waiting. My favorite! ha. I feel as if our timing isn't that great now that I O'd later than I thought. And I wasted so many HPTs, too. So, I had to order more this morning. Thank God for early-pregnancy-tests.com!

Anyway, I've been having cramping for a few days now...but as of yesterday and today I keep getting sharp pains on my right side. Very much like O pains but a tad bit lower. Implantation cramps? Who knows. It's really hard not to analyze everything still. I'm trying not to be too optimistic. I really don't wanna have a breakdown yet again. I'll probably continue to test everyday til AF shows because I have absolutely no will power. If I resist testing in the morning...I just drive myself crazy all day moping around wishing I had. So, that's what's new with me.

I'm going to take a shower and get ready to go to a friend's bday get together. Pizza + cake + family/friends = a very happy girl!!!

Update on my torturous life.

No, I didn't test today. What's the point? I can't handle another BFN so I won't be testing. Just waiting for AF. Last month she came late in the day...so we'll give her some time to show. My temp did go down today even if it's not accurate (I took it at the wrong time, after not sleeping well all night).

My body still feels the need to mess with my head. I woke up around 2:30am with terrible heartburn and dying of thirst. I actually made Vince get up to get me some water. I ate pepperoni pizza last night for dinner, which may have triggered both of these things...BUT I drank plenty after I ate the pizza and I took my Aciphex last night. We have pepperoni pizza for dinner a lot and THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE. So, WTF? I'm telling you someone or something is messing with me and it's totally not funny. It's getting ridonculous! The BFN is enough to deal with and I don't need any crazy phantom symptoms messing with my head.

A Q-tip test this am shows nothing as of yet. Just creamy CM. I just want AF to show so I can move on. Is that too much to ask after I've been messed with? So, basically I'll be sitting around being miserable until the old hag shows. Lucky it's raining outside and I have nothing else to do, eh?

Can you please pass the tissues?

So, here we are again. 13DPO and only BFNs. I can't focus. I can't stop crying. I can't stop wondering why it feels like someone is messing with me. This is the only cycle since I stopped BCP except my BFP cycle that I have sensitive nipples and sore boobs before AF shows. I have cramps which I NEVER have before AF as I don't even have much cramping with AF. I'm extremely frustrated right now. I thought we had good timing and I had a good cycle last month, so I thought this could be our month. I had high hopes that were crushed once again. Maybe if I hadn't gotten PG once before, I wouldn't realize it's possible and then I wouldn't be so stressed about getting a BFP again. I don't know. My thoughts and emotions are all over the place right now. At this point, I just want AF to show so I can move on. The end of a 14 LP gets a little overwhelming with emotions probably because of the hormones or whatever. And since I got my BFP on 12DPO and everyone seems to get them so much earlier than what's expected it's very hard. Of course, I know the possibilities of getting a BFP late...I've seen the charts in the chart gallery. I've heard the stories. I've stalked countdowntopregnancy.com to try and remain hopeful. But, at this point, I think being hopeful is just foolish. I'm already crushed and couldn't imagine keeping up my hopes and then doing this over and over again.

I've just mainly been lurking on GP lately. I can't bring myself to post. I just don't feel like it. A lot of the regulars are getting BFPs or they are already KU and it just hurts each time I see a ticker or a comment. I feel like I was left behind. I'm sure once AF comes and my hormones regulate I'll be fine and I'll be back.

I just talked to Vince on the phone. He was just leaving the dentist. I was barely saying anything so he wouldn't hear the hurt in my voice and detect that I was crying. I have to hold myself together for him and for everyone IRL. They don't know and they wouldn't understand. My friends aren't TTC and never have, so they wouldn't get it.

Hearing or seeing any complaints about being KU drive me nuts. Whether it's a GP'er or someone IRL it really hurts my heart. Not that they can't complain, but I just feel that they don't know how lucky they are to be pg with a healthy baby and they are fussing over nonsense. That just drives me crazy. I flipped out the other night about it. It just hurts that they don't see that's where someone else wants to be, and they are complaining. Ugh.

Anyway, I guess it's good I got that all out. I actually think I feel a little bit better.

Meh.

My boobs are GINORMOUS. I have this weird cramping feeling in my ute. What's it all mean? Oh, that's right. Either I'm KTFU or AF is coming...interesting, huh? NFT.

Whatever.

I have no idea what my body is doing right now. The OPK from this am still looks rather positive. It's at least the same shade as the control line...maybe darker but I'm not sure. Yesterday I bled thru my underwear at one point. If I mark it as light on FF, it makes me CD1, so I left it as spotting especially because it was mixed with some sort of CM. I think it's from all the sex we've been having perhaps in combo with O'ing. My temp yesterday was a little higher...then today it went down. I woke up an hour before my normal temping time though, which pisses me off since now it's not accurate. I guess I was lucky that all my previous cycles were so easy. Last month using the OPKs seemed so easy...only got a + for one day and that was that.

I'm getting frustrated and toying with the idea of not temping for the rest of this cycle. I'm on the verge of eating something I'm really not supposed to. Ugh...I want to quit. Quit temping, quit charting, quit GP...but then I know I'll probably freak out because I really won't know what's going on. Grrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

It's here....

The paranoia that comes in the weeks before O. Now, since I stopped the BCP in October, I've always O'd on CD19...even right after the D&E. So, I guess my body is pretty much set on that day...but I still freak out every cycle before CD19 thinking my body might change it's mind (that doesn't make any sense...but bear with me) and O earlier than I'm planning and we'll totally miss the fertile window. I mean of course we're having sex, but not everyday like around O time...and I really want to give it our best. I have OPKs for this cycle, too, but I don't want to start too early and go thru the rest of them and have to buy more already. I started earlier last cycle and used a lot of them. And even though they are cheap, if I keep buying them, it'll get expensive. I've also been having tons of CM lately. I don't know what that's about. It appears to be creamy, but there's just a ton of it. So, that's where I'm at right now. I hope everyone has a great Easter :)

In a mood...

Well it seems like AF is on her way out. I honestly feel really good about this visit from AF...it was very...hmmm what's the word? Cleansing? I haven't had a good visit from AF since before my BFP, D&E and all that...so this, in my eyes, is a good thing. I don't think my ute was in any shape to carry a baby without this, so believe it or not I'm happy about it. Although, my mood wouldn't tell you that lately. I don't know if it's just the post-Disney blues or what, but I've been kinda cranky and down lately. I kinda just feel sad but I'm not really sure why. It might be my weight, too. I've gained so much weight and I'm just disgusted with myself at this point. And I've been worrying a lot about being a mom...I'm kinda scared to death I won't be good at it. I have tons of fears that I won't put a good enough effort into it...or that I won't be able to handle everything that comes with it down the road...like silly things...like homework and projects and stuff like that. They kind of seem irrational to me, but I can't help but worry myself. A few people have reassured me that it's normal to think like that, but I'm a little freaked out anyway.

I'm going to start the count down for Disney again soon. We'll be making a return visit in September. We've invited Mammy and Daddy to stay with us so I'm super excited! I'm pretty sure Mammy is definitely coming, but Daddy isn't so sure yet. So, we'll see. But either way, it's something to look forward to. Hopefully I won't be riding the roller coasters though!

So, I haven't talked to my so called BFF since my bday...which may not even count since it was just an email. I haven't really had the desire to talk to her since she always has better things to do then maintain our relationship...and the fact that she asked me if I was crazy when I told her I was PG. She wasn't really supportive during the m/c-D&E either...I know she probably wasn't sure what to do...but I think she could have figured something out. This may be another thing that has me down. I think I might email her. I don't know...we'll see.

So anyway, I already looked ahead to see when I would be O'ing this month. I hope since I'm working in the days leading up to it that I'm not too tired to get it done! LOL. Working 12 hour shifts back to back for 3 days straight is a little tiring especially if we're having sex every night...but I think we can do it!

So that's it for me right now! Thanks for reading!

Such a Fool

So, I pretty much feel like a jackass. I'm such a fool for thinking I was actually PG with the stupidest phantom symptoms EVER. But, good thing I got to hide out in Disney for a little while. AF came right on time on Sunday evening after a BFN in the morning. I was hestitate to go on any of the "good" rides until I knew for sure. But today I got to go on Rock 'N Roll roller coaster, which just happens to be my favorite! Yay! I will say I wasn't excited to have AF in Disney where it was so freaking hot and tampons don't work for me so I had to wear a pad...but oh well. It wasn't too bad. Although I have freaking cramps for the first time in a long time and AF is actually heavy, which is definitely not what I'm used to. But, I think it's a good thing...I haven't had a good period in a while and I think I needed it to be able to get PG again since I haven't had anything remotely normal since my D&E. So, that's it.

Disney was a great time! I honestly love it there. Clearly, it's the happiest place on earth! Hehe. The plan is to go back in Sept....hopefully I won't be able to ride any roller coasters while I'm there....

Do you believe dreams come true?

And...I don't mean mine. My mom forwarded me an email from a very good friend of hers whose MIL is very sick. The email was very long and it's very sad. Basically, her FIL, husband and SIL all want them to continue to do whatever they have to to keep her alive and she doesn't agree. The woman is very very sick and the doctors told them she can't live like this despite saving her each time. It's really a shame. So after the very long, sad and detailed email...the bottom says exactly THIS:

How are things on your end? Nicole has vivid dreams – she had a dream that Lisa was pregnant. Hope it comes true and everything will be ok.

Nicole is her daughter. My mom and her mom grew up together, and then so did we. We don't talk very often but we are friends :) So, what do you think? I think it's pretty freaky but I sure do hope her dreams come true!!

Going crazy...

So, another BFN this morning with FMU. My temp was 97.71. I'm going to lose it soon. Last night V commented on my gas problem...Today my gums were bleeding when I brushed my teeth which I believe happened before my first BFP. And get this...Janae and I went to Friendly's for lunch today and I did NOT order a PB Cup Sundae! I have no desire to eat chocolate, which seriously is a big deal for me. I didn't eat it the first time I was PG at all. I'm honestly getting more frustrated because I feel the way I felt last time...I really think someone is messing with me! I probably sound crazy but I think TTC makes you crazy, especially after a m/c! I'm also feeling like a sinus infection is brewing. I called the doctor and left a message to call me back and perhaps call something in just in case I get a sinus infection full on when we're away. That would suck! I'm obviously going to hold off as long as I can without taking anything, but I'm scared of being in Disney and getting a fever and really sick. The doc in the ER last time told me I can do more damage not taking something, especially since I had a high WBC count. So, I'd rather have something safe for PG on board before we go just in case. I certainly don't want to end up in an Orlando Hospital on my vacation! So, anyway, I'll be praying for two pink lines tomorrow morning :)

Temp back up...but BFN.

I was so tired last night...but very anxious for temp taking and testing in the morning. So, of course I was up in the middle of the night to pee. I staggered out of bed at 3ish and peed. I didn't take my temp before I got out of bed, but it was ok because I got to sleep a little later this morning since I had class (which, might I add, was more like torture). But, the problem is that I couldn't go back to sleep. I tossed and turned until Vince got up for work...then when he kissed me goodbye I definitely couldn't go back to sleep. Luckily when he kissed me I didn't really move around so I still popped the therm right in my mouth. I got a reading of 98.17! So, hopefully that was *kinda* accurate despite the sleep deprivation. I also got a BFN...but I was expecting that since it wasn't technically FMU since I peed at 3 in the morning. Ugh. I'm hoping for the BFP tomorrow morning, of course. I hope I can sleep better tonight although I'm so anxious. On another note, I'm pretty sure I noticed some bumps on my areolas. Never had those before...I guess I'll keep an eye on them.

Totally Bummed

Big time temp dip today. I know it *could* be an implantation dip, but I'm still totally bummed. What are the odds that it really is an implantation dip? I didn't have one last time, which is not to say I wouldn't have one this time, but still. My therm did beep fairly quick this morning when usually it takes a while (it is the target one) for the 97.00 reading. I took it out and temped again right after and it gave me 95.57 after taking the normal amount of time. After that I staggered to the bathroom and peed while being very upset. I went back to bed for a little while and then got up a few hours later. At that point I peed again and POAS that time for no reason other than to completely torture myself. Obviously between the temp drop and not using FMU I got a BFN. Ugh. I've been crying all day on and off. I'm really disappointed. I guess I'll be paying to renew my subscription to FF since it expires in 3 days. Ugh.

Not so much...

So today despite the sneezing and the temp spike, I don't feel very pregnant. Maybe I felt it more yesterday because I was at home doing nothing when today I worked all darn day. I don't know. At least if I'm feeling like this I won't be as disappointed when I get a BFN because I would have seen it coming. Feel free to stalk my chart and give me opinions. I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow...hmmmm

Who's messing with me?

I can't stop sneezing. I usually sneeze every now and then...but not as many times as I have today! Geez! When I was KU I had the same problem...sneezing a million times a day. Now, the 2ww is hard enough as it is...so WTH do I need to sneeze all day to make it worse! Ah! It seems that all my symptoms from last time are back and I'm not sure I like it. It's freaking me out BIG TIME. I'm already obsessed with everything this cycle and this surely isn't helping stay sane!! Ahhh!!!

Holy Phantom Symptoms!

So, I must admit that I "feel" pregnant. Only because now that I know what it feels like do I think this. Although, I know it's too early to technically have symptoms. I'm not sure what to make of it really. Tonight we went to my parents best friends house for a bday get together and I thought I was going to explode I had so much gas. I kept running upstairs to the bathroom! And my jeans were tighter today then the other day...which doesn't make sense cause I didn't wash them since I only had them on for a couple hours the other day. I didn't even eat for awhile before I put them on. Usually they would get looser. I'm really scaring myself honestly. I'm not sure I'll recover from a BFN very easily. I mean, hopefully being in Disney World will be a good distraction, but I'm so afraid that I'll be bummed out all week. And dealing with AF in the heat walking around all day doesn't sound like much fun as an alternative to a BFP either. I just want to know NOW! Grrr!!

On another note, I feel like such a good girl. My friend came over this morning and we walked 2.5 miles!! Yay!! We're going to do this as much as possible! I'm really hoping it makes a difference because I feel like shit about myself.

I'm freaking out...

So, I finally got my CHs! I'm so proud of my body...I O'd on CD19 just like usual. Yay ovaries! But, now I'm freaking out...I'm so nervous I won't get a BFP and I'm going to be extremely disappointed. I pretty much have everything invested in this cycle and I'm not sure how I'll react. Since my last cycle was wacky, I'll be testing before we leave for Disney now, as opposed to the day we come home. At least if I get a BFN, I'll be distracted...

On another note, I totally had a break down in the NY & Company dressing room today. I gained so much weight since the wedding. At first I gained just a few pounds...no big deal. Then Christmas came and I deprived myself of NOTHING. Then...I got my BFP and ate whatever I thought I could hold down, which most of the time wasn't a healthy choice. And then the m/c....which I used food to cheer me up. BAD IDEA. That was just adding fuel to the fire. Now, I don't fit in my clothes...and the clothes I try on in a way bigger size look terrible. Ugh, I'm so frustrated with myself. And I don't know why, but I've been really tired lately so I haven't been exercising either. I feel horrible about myself right now. Seriously.

A positive day :)

Yea baby!! My first +OPK!! W00T!! I was so excited when I saw this. It's very clearly positive, too...it's way darker!! So, between my + today and the O pains I had last night into this morning I'm pretty happy. If my O day is today then I'll be 12 DPO the day before we leave for Disney. So, I'm going to try to hold out til then...but I don't know if I'll make it! Last time, I'm pretty sure there was a VERY VERY faint line when I tested on 10 DPO but I didn't test again til 12 DPO which was clearly positive. Okay, DH just got home...gotta go!

Grrrrrr

I'm not happy. My temp went down drastically today. WTF?? There goes my CD19 O day since I got off BCP. I knew last cycle was going to screw me up. I'm so upset. I don't know if Vince is going to be able to keep up all the good sex. And, to further screw things up, he doesn't feel good today. So, who knows now. I did take Mucinex this am, just to see if that will help with my CM. But, it will be worthless if Vince doesn't feel up to it later. Ugh, I know I'm just rambling and I'm sorry. Blah.

Waiting to O...

So, after getting the good news that our chromosomes are normal (YAY), I was excited waiting to O. But, now I'm kinda stressed. Maybe if my last cycle wasn't screwy, I wouldn't be really worried, but unfortunately it was, so I am. I've been using OPKs this cycle for the first time and I'm not quite sure how I feel about them. They *seem* to be getting darker each day, but who knows. Maybe I should start taking pics of them? I don't know! I'm trying not to stress about it, but of course I am! And I think I'm wearing Vince out with all the sex...LOL.

On another note, I actually exercised this morning. Twenty minutes on the elliptical and I thought I was going to die. But I made it through and I'm really happy. Woohoo!! If I'm not going to be gaining weight cause I'm knocked up, then I need to lose it cause I'm fat. I don't fit in my spring/summer clothes and I don't want to spend money on new ones. I'm going to have to get a few things for Disney though since that's only a couple weeks away. But still. I can't believe I let myself gain this much. Having a m/c was really bad for my weight. I just ate and ate and ate! Not good!!

Oooh...did I just feel an O pain? Hmmm. God I hope so!

Our prayers were answered! Nicole, the genetic counselor, called with great news...our chromosomes are all there and very NORMAL!! This is such a huge relief for us. yay!

Anybody know what's going on?

Cause I sure don't. Yesterday the occassional spotting I was having turned to a light flow of brownish-pinkish AF looking stuff. This morning, bright red. The hag showed up early! Now, I don't know whether to be happy about this or what. It just so happens that I've been taking some meds because I have bronchitis (yay me). So, I've been taking Levaquin (antibiotic), Albuterol mini-nebs, and Mucinex (expectorant). So, it got me wondering if any or all of the meds got things going early, maybe? I know Mucinex is known to help along with fertile CM, so maybe it can help move along AF, too? HMMM...WDYT? Definitely got me thinking it's possible. So, anyway, this now has me wondering what my next cycle will bring. Will I O again on CD 19 like I've been doing? Or will I O earlier? Later? How about my LP? ugh, this is so frustrating and stressful!! The good news is, I will find out earlier if I am KU!! I wanted to fast forward time a little bit...so even if it's just a few days, I'm happy about it!!! We're still waiting for our results from the genetic testing. Those results won't be in for a little while yet. So, that's it. Any insight? Please share :)

Mixed up...

So, despite the fact that I'm sick, we had our appointment with the genetic counselor today. She was nice, sweet and FREAKING PREGNANT!!! I've come to the conclusion it's probably just as awkward for her as it is for the people she's trying to help, though. But, it took a lot to come to that conclusion...lol. So, basically she made a little family tree thingy for Vince and I looking for any birth defects, learning disabilities or multiple miscarriages. Which, there really weren't any. One of Vince's nieces is a little delayed I guess you could say, but it's nothing major and more related to other circumstances, if you ask me. But with all 4 of Vince's siblings having children and my bro having two without any problems, I can't see why we would. She actually said to us that it's nice to have the testing so we can "warn" our families about potential problems. Umm, seriously chick? WE'RE THE ONLY ONES WITHOUT KIDS DOUCHE!! I thought of it that way, but politely said, I don't think that's necessary hahahaha.

Anywho, after that she explained the world of chromosomes to us. I'm not even going to begin to try to explain all that jazz here though. Basically, each person has a set of chromosomes that will then be passed on to their children. They are lined up and matched perfectly in most cases...but not in all, which is what happened in the embryo that caused the m/c. Two of the chromosomes that were supposed to match up, one from Vince and one from me didn't match up correctly. Now, this could mean two things: 1. One of our chromosomes is messed up, therefore being messed up upon arrival to embryo or 2. For some fluke reason they messed up when the sperm and egg met and started dividing and separating chromosomes and all that. Are you with me? I'm trying to make it simple....so, basically every time we get pregnant one of four things can happen.

• The chromosomes that are in the egg/sperm are fine and we have a perfectly healthy baby
• The chromosomes are mixed up but matched appropriately, just like the one of ours could be and the baby would be healthy
• The chromosomes are completely screwed up resulting in m/c
• The chromosomes are screwed up causing birth defects and/or learning disabilities in a full term baby

So, yea wow. A lot of things going on. So, Vince and I opted to have our blood drawn to see if one of us carries a mixed up pair of chromosomes. So, in two weeks we'll find out if this was a fluke thing or potentially a pretty big challenge in getting and STAYING pregnant with a HEALTHY baby. The genetic counselor already mentioned things like amniocentesis to check the baby for possible birth defects and what not. Vince and I had a very deep conversation over lunch while he ate and I played with my food. I have no appetite and can't taste a damn thing! We discussed the possibilities of what could happen and what we would do in each situation. They are all very hard decisions that I'm not sure I ever want to make.

I must say that my biggest fear right now is that one of us has a problem. I know it's nothing we could ever control since it's genetic, but it would be difficult to put the "blame" on one of us. I'm really hoping it's not Vince cause I know he'd really be hard on himself about it and I wouldn't know how to comfort him. I would rather it be me and I could suffer silently. So, now we must wait 2 whole weeks to find out what's going on. Two weeks of me holding my breath basically. More waiting, my favorite.

Update to update...

I was able to switch the appt with the genetic counselor to this Monday at 11:00. Please pray for us!

Results and such.

So, as you know when I went to the doc on Friday, they didn't have my results yet. So, after having a nice weekend (with ALL the signs of O coming!) and having sex (with condoms, but still SEX after none since Christmas week!!) and finally feeling back to myself and putting the m/c stuff behind us and REALLY looking forward to the next cycle, Renee calls to give me the results. There was a chromosome abnormality and the testing company recommends genetic testing/counseling after only ONE m/c. So, I'm pretty much scared shitless. I totally forget what she said the abnormality was, but for some reason I think it was something like translocation. And since I'm a google whore, I can't stop looking it up and reading about all the m/c's. UGH. Renee keeps saying she thinks it's probably a fluke thing, so that's a little reassuring, but I honestly don't think she really knows. So, I'm back to feeling pretty blue about everything. Sucks. So far, this whole process just sucks. It was so exciting when we started and now it's just stressful and scary. Not very much fun.

In other news, my ovaries are awesome. I O'd! Yay! My CM has had a little blood in it, but I guess that's ok :) I actually O'd a day earlier than I usually do. So, I'm happy about that. I was kinda nervous my cycle would be all screwy from the D&E but apparently not! So, bad and good news I guess all at the same time. I'm called and left a message for the genetic counselors to see if I can change my appointment from next Friday to Monday instead. I don't want to wait that long if I don't have to. Prayers and good luck wishes, please.

WTF

So, what do I find when I go to the bathroom tonight? EWCM..ok...so that's good, right? If my cycle schedule stays the same, I will be O'ing tomorrow. So, that's perfect. I definitely didn't want any delays in my cycles. If anything, I wanted to fast forward it. But, with my EWCM there's BLOOD. Supposedly the most fertile CM there is. So, of course this happens the cycle I can't use it. Grrrr.

It's been awhile

Well, hello there! I know I haven't been posting much lately...but my life isn't that interesting to post without a BFP. Well, today was my F/U from the D&E. Unfortunately the results from the genetic testing weren't in yet, but I should be getting them by Monday afternoon. The exam was harmless...no even as bad as an annual exam. And we got the green light to have sex! Woot! We haven't had sex since right before Christmas...so this is good news...LOL. We have to use protection, though, especially since I should be O'ing on Tuesday. She said to wait "one or two cycles" but that definitely means one in my book. Fertility is supposed to increase in the months after m/c so I already have my hopes way up for the first couple cycles. I'm sure I'm going to be pyscho! You were warned! LOL. My mom has a the flu so I took Amanda with me for the day. A GYN appt with a 2 year old in tow! Luckily she's such a good girl!!

So, after my f/u appointment, I got to meet Monkey for lunch who got a BFP today! Woot!!! I'm so very excited for her and her H! We had a very nice time chatting and chatting. We could have chatted all night I'm sure! She's such a sweet person and I'm so glad that we got the chance to meet in person. I think we're going to be good friends :) Amanda had a good time, too. We got good practice with a two year old in for sure..haha. And we apparently were too much excitement for her...

Monday was my first day back to work. It was pretty tough as I thought it would be...but it was okay. I was still upset and tearing up now and then but I made it through. Tuesday was even better, oh well expect for the bitch that came up to me on my way back from lunch and said, "So, you pregnant yet?" So after I explained that I had a D&E and a m/c a week and a half ago her jaw hit the ground. Some people are so inconsiderate! Think before you talk people! You just never know what situation someone is in. By Wednesday, I was feeling much better. I've been pretty much back to my old self. I'm really looking forward to trying again even though I'm going to be scared shitless. I'm going to keep praying!

Seeing Red.

WTF?? It's now been a week and 2 days since the D&E and now my ute decides to bleed. WTF? I've had nothing but spotting and a very light bleeding of a brownish color since last Thursday, then tonight after having a nice day with Vince I come home from going to church, dinner, some stores and to my parents to find that nonsense when going to the bathroom. If this delays my next cycle I will NOT be happy. The only good thing I can think of is that if everything gets just a little delayed, I could possibly ovulate in Disney rather than be distracted from the 2ww like I was hoping for. It would be great to tell my child that he/she was conceived in Disney, however, I would like to get this show on the road sooner than that. Blah. Ok, I'm done bitching. Carry on.

Yesterday sucked as did last night and this morning....

Yesterday was a bad day. I was pretty sad all day. Mammy did take me to the movies to see Slumdog Millionaire which was really really good...but I was still sad pretty much all day. Finally when Vince got home from work...the tears came flowing. I couldn't help it...and then as the night progressed it got worse and worse. By the time we got in bed, I was a mess. I spilled out all my fears...AF not coming on time next cycle secondary to the D&E, having a hard/long time getting KU again, God forbid having another m/c, being overwhelmed and getting frustrated TTC. He said everything he could to console me and calm me down.

So, then this morning I woke up with a killer migraine. It was like I had PMS...so I thought wtf? I haven't really had any bleeding since the D&E so I decided to email Renee to ask if everything was normal. She read the email and called me instead of writing back to check on me. She's gotta be the sweetest doctor. She assured me everything that's going on is fine and that my estrogen level probably had a sudden drop which would bring on the PMS symptoms including the migraine. I was thanking God that I didn't have to go to work today. Last night and today have been the worst days since the procedure.

Cheese Cake

So, today was a good day. The morning started out with a "Ding-Dong" FedEx was at the door with a package! I love packages, especially when I didn't pay for anything! LOL So, DH and I anxiously open it up and it's the most beautiful 12 Chocolate Covered Strawberries I've ever seen from my mom's friend. OMG OMG OMG. Not only are the beautiful, but they are delicious, big and juicy. YUMMY.

Ok, so then DH and I order some pepperoni pizza and french fries for our visit with Maya. YUM again. Maya also brought Cheese cake. Vanilla bean cheese cake with whipped cream and strawberries from the Cheesecake Factory. Yea, it's pretty much orgasmic. Maya also brought Brutus, her 70lb Doberman puppy. Oh my. He loves Vince. He wanted to make love to Vince, which might have been good since he can't get any from me. haha.

Then, Clea comes over and brings her awesome spinach dip complete with bread for dipping. Ok, so do my friends know me or what? Food is like a band-aid which is why my ass is HUGE. But, my spirits are definitely up today :)

So, while stalking my calendar, which I do rather often, I figured out my next 2 cycles. The first of which is completely out because of my pelvic rest. The second, however, if my cycles remain the same as they were pre-D&E, would put the end of my 2ww the week we're in Disney. Umm how awesome is that for a distraction? Hopefully I'll be able to pack without throwing any PG tests in my bag so I can refrain from testing until I get home, but with my POAS addiction, I don't know if that will happen. They probably don't sell any tests in Disney World...so if I don't bring any...then I won't have any...and technically we come home on 12DPO which would be the earliest I would test. But...we don't come home until late in the evening. So, maybe if I only pack one, I'll have to save it for that morning? Hmm...I have plenty of time to figure this out...but do you see where my head is already? God I hope February flies by....

My wonderful husband.

I must say that DH is wonderful. He's been taking such great care of me in the past couple of days. I married a wonderful man. Yesterday he made sure I had everything I needed and even came with me to the bathroom every time I had to go. He didn't leave me alone for a minute. He's awesome. No wonder I want to have a baby so badly with this man. Last night we saw a commercial on TV with a man named Matthew. He pointed it out to me since it's one of my top choices for a boy's name. I then reminded him that he doesn't like that name with my sad face, to which he responded, "Babe, you can name our baby whatever you want." How cute is that? He's totally spoiling me right now and I can't say I mind!!!

Resting comfortably

So, of course I didn't get much sleep last night. I cried for a long time and then between my nose being stuffy and being rather nervous I couldn't fall asleep. I was pretty much restless all night. We got to the hospital around 9:30 and they took me up to pre-op around 10:00. I was supposed to go into the OR around 11, but because the previous case took longer than expected, I was delayed until 12:10ish. The procedure only took about 15-20 minutes. I remember Renee telling me to have sweet dreams, the anesthesia burning my IV and then nothing else until the nurse woke me up in the recovery room. I woke up very groggy with minor cramps. She gave me pain medicine through my IV and then Motrin by mouth after I ate some crackers. I'm having some moderate bleeding right now but really no pain at this time. Thank God!

Today, I'm very hopeful about being about to try again in a month. I have to wait one cycle. This whole thing was very heartbreaking, but I'm glad it's over now. We can have fun trying again ;)

Thanks again for all the hugs, love and support to all my GP girls!!! You helped ease the pain in my heart and for that I'll always be grateful.

today was hard

So, today we went to the hospital to sign some consents for the D&E tomorrow and get some blood drawn. After I signed the consent, I said to Vince "I don't believe I'm here doing this. I really don't want this to be happening." A D&E for a Missed Abortion is what they wrote on the consent. That hurt like hell. Renee was great. She gave me a big hug when we saw her and explained everything thoroughly. Gave us time to ask questions and apoligized that this is happening to us. I'm really glad I found a great doctor. And oddly enough, I was glad to be at my hospital where I work. Seeing everything I knew and getting support and comfort from them was great. At any other hospital, I would just be another woman getting a D&E. I'm sure some people wouldn't want to be where everyone knows them, but I found it very comforting. I'm a little scared for tomorrow. She is going to try to get a piece of tissue to test...but I'm not sure what the point is. Even if it was a chromosome issue, she can't do anything to prevent that from happening the next time. I'm both excited and scared to death to TTC again. I will say that since this happened, my desire to have a baby only increased. I pray to God it happens soon. Please. I hope that made sense...I feel like it didn't...but oh well, it's been a long, hard day.

It's over.

After talking to Renee today, yet again, I decided I'm done. I can't take anymore. She had said that even without the u/s the levels aren't good. Just based on the levels, this isn't a normal pregnancy. So, I opted for the D&E. It's scheduled for Thursday at 11am. At this point, I just see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm looking forward to getting KU again but I'm scared to death. I'm scared of HCG levels and u/s...but I will get through it. My DH has been great thru all of this and so has my mom and dad. Really most of my family and friends have been wonderful, especially my GP girls. Thanks again, for everything.

I surrender.

So, Renee calls this morning to tell me my level went up from Friday yet again. It was 11,218 or something like that. So, of course it didn't double. Why would it do that? Ok, so we talk about what's going on and she suggests that I go for one more u/s on Friday and we'll go from there. I can get my blood drawn, but I don't have to. It's basically all up to me. She's so sweet and informative and I really appreciate that. So, after hanging up with her it's time to go get ready to take Mammy for her follow-up with the ENT that did her surgery. So, I go potty and OMG I see blood when I wipe. UMM WTF?? Ok, so I call Mammy hysterical crying like woah because I can't seem to get the phone to ring trying to call Vince. Ok, so I take some deep breaths and call Renee. I must admit that I was kinda relieved to see the blood. I mean it makes the decision process a lot easier since my body is then bascially telling me it's going to handle it. Ok, fine. Anyway, Renee wants me to go for a STAT u/s to see if the sac is still intact and get blood drawn. Ok, I can do that. I've been doing it like it's my job lately. So, u/s shows no changes from the u/s done on Friday. Sac is still intact. Big freakin' surprise. Won't get blood results 'til tomorrow. In the mean time, no more bleeding. WTF. I am seriously emotionally and physically drained at this point. I'm done. I'm throwing in the white towel. I can't take it anymore. BUT I don't have a choice. If my body isn't going to let go, then I can't either. So, here I sit and wait. Some more. So now I guess I'll wait for the results and look for bleeding. Wonderful.

I talked to my boss on the phone today and luckily he's very understanding. Told me to keep in touch, but to take all the time I need. Him and his wife had a hard time getting pregnant and then some. They eventually used IVF. They have 2 beautiful little boys now, but he knows how hard emotionally it is. I think they've had to deal with at least one m/c if not two.

As I was waiting for the u/s today trying not to pee my pants (I actually drank all the water they told me to like a big dummy) I was reading my book. Funny how I came across this part. A daughter is telling her mother she's expecting her first child.

"Next came the call to my mother. When I rang the house, I could hear KYW in the background. It was an all-news station she listened to throughtout the day. Bullentins of murders and fires and peculiar deaths.

"Well, are you proud of yourself?" she asked.

"What?"

"You're throwing your life away, you know that? Pissing it down your leg."

I stared at Jake.

"Mom?"

"What?"

"I'm going to have a child."

"There are no awards given out," she said."

The first line of the book just happens to be "When all is said and done, killing my mother came easily."

NFT.

Decisions, decisions.

So after thinking about everything that's going on and spending time on misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com I decided that as long as my levels went up on Friday, that I'm going to wait another week or two to schedule the D & E. I think I want one more u/s for piece of mind that's it's really over. Most of the stories of false blighted ovums involve women with a tilted uterus, which I was was once told I have. So, I think as long as I'm in a healthy state and can wait it out and either miscarry naturally, or wait another week before scheduling the D & E, then that's my plan. I will talk to Renee about it on Monday when she calls with my levels. Any advice or opinions would be appreciated. Thanks for caring.

More tears.

Renee called to tell me that it's basically over. She still wants me to get my blood drawn today and she said she'll call me Monday to discuss scheduling a D & E. Oh God help me get thru this.

Typing through the tears

Well, we just got back from the U/S and there is still nothing in the sac. The tech was able to tell me that it got bigger, now dating 6w1d. But that's it. Nothing else to see. I'm beyond disappointed. I'm trying so hard to remain positive, but it's so hard. My heart is just breaking. I don't know what to think. I'm waiting for Renee to call. I'm guessing I'll have to get more blood work and another u/s next week sometime. I'm sorry, but I don't even know what else to write right now. I can't stop crying. God, this sucks.

Going up!

Well, Renee just called....my level is now up to 9200. So, it's going up! Not doubling...but it's going up which is still a good thing! So, I'm both excited and nervous for the u/s tomorrow! Please pray we see something in the sac!!!

So, last night we went over Paula and Keith's for dinner. Paula wanted to share her PG story with me, since she was also having non-doubling betas. And she has a beautiful, healthy 8 month old daughter. When we were leaving, she didn't want to go back to Paula, she was clinging on to me! I think it's good juju!!!

In other news...haha...I've been very nauseous since yesterday. No womiting (thank God) but lots of gagging. It's starting to fade now, but I'm still pretty cautious to eat something. Ahh! I'm kinda excited to feel that way...it's gotta be a good sign, right? We'll see!

Yet another update.

Well, after not hearing from the doc yesterday, I got a phone call first thing this morning from Renee. Since she wasn't there yesterday, no one else decided to call me. But anyway, my level went up again, but definitely not doubled. It's about 7800 now. I called and rescheduled my u/s appt from Monday to Friday. I figured the sooner I get it over with the better. So, I go Friday at 11:00. I still have to go today and get my blood drawn at around 3:15. I tried to keep it around the same time that I went on Monday so there's no issue about the times. Ugh. This is so frustrating. I'm VERY nervous for the u/s. The last time we went they didn't let Vince come in at first. The tech said she wanted to get measurements first. This time I'm going to insist he comes in. I don't understand why they wouldn't let him in. I think I really need him to be there this time, since I don't know what's going to happen really.

So, an update on Mammy. Her sinus surgery went very well according to the doc yesterday. She had a lot of pressure and pain yesterday and this morning. And she couldn't sleep last night cause she had to sit up. So, I'm hoping she gets some rest today and tonight. Pray for her!

Update on levels.

Not good news today from Renee. My level didn't double from Thurs to Sat. It did go up...but not too much. It went from around 4900 to 5900. So, of course I'm very worried. I cried a lot. I read some inspiring stories on the internet by women who had similar problems and very healthy babies and pregnancies. Who knows. It still could be ok. Renee said "Don't lose hope, but it is concerning." So I'm trying to remain positive. Please pray for us.

FYI

I updated my profile. I didn't know it was blank. oops.

blood work.

So, means I was at work and just glad I had a minute to answer the phone...I didn't get the exact number. But my level from Thursday after the u/s was over 4000. So, on Monday I'll get the results back from today's b/w to compare. It would make sense if I was only a little over 5 weeks since that's what my HCG level and the U/S show. I'm really trying not to worry. It's so hard being a nurse (especially on a floor that does GYN which includes anything not baby related OB stuff, i.e. ectopics, miscarriages, and still births) because I know WAY more than I want to right now. But, I'm really trying to remain positive. After looking at my chart and considering the spotting I had the same day AF was due, I'm guessing I implanted quite late since Renee called it "implantation spotting." So, I'm hanging in there for now. Praying and talking to baby helps, too. I really hope the levels doubled for today's blood work. Please God.

Worried...

We went for an u/s today. I'm supposed to be 6w2d based on my chart. They only saw a sac on the u/s that the tech said was measuring 5w2d. I went to get my blood HCG levels drawn again today...and I have to get another on Saturday. Another u/s in 10 days. I know it's possible that I O'd late...or that implantation took place later than we thought..but I can't help but worry. Everyone keeps telling me to chill out. Well that's a lot easier said than done. After we left the imaging place I sat in the car and cried my eyes out. I called my mom who tried to reassure me, but I couldn't help my bawl my eyes out. Vince was probably very worried also, and disappointed we didn't get to see the baby...but he was very supportive.

I was supposed to go to the doc today for my first appt...but I figured that wasn't necessary. I called the office and Renee called me back within a few minutes telling me about the blood tests and scheduling another u/s. Luckily, she was able to fax the blood slip requests to me so I didn't have to drive into the city to pick them up. I guess my biggest worry is a blighted ovum. I just want to get in bed, curl up and cry.

Anyway, Mammy gets her surgery next week. I took off a few days to help her out, then I work Thursday and Friday. I'm going to schedule my next u/s for Monday since I'm off and that will be exactly 10 days. Please pray for us!

The shirts were a big hit!!

So, we told my Daddy, Grandparents, and Bro/SIL/nephew and niece. Everyone is so excited!!! Here's the pictures of the kids with their "going to be a big cousin" shirts on....the shirts are a little big...but they worked!!!

Telling the Inlaws :)

So, we drove to the inlaws today to take them out for their birthdays. FIL was last week and MIL is this week. I bought a card at Hallmark that says something like We just wanted to let you know....that we're expecting a little bundle of fun. So, we handed that to MIL when we walked in the door. She opened it...totally ignoring the words in the card and just reading what I wrote. Which said, Happy Birthday! We love you guys! Love, Vincent and Lisa (and baby, too). So she looks up at me and says, "and Baby? Who the turtle?" I said, "umm, NO. His name is Tuga" And then she started crying and hugging me! They are very excited to be expecting their 10th grandchild!!! We stopped afterwards to tell Vince's sister, BIL and their kids and they were all excited, also. All 3 of our nieces were there, so I recruited some babysitters already!! Although the little one who's 7 doesn't seem to wanna change any diapers LOL.

Tomorrow we'll be telling my Daddy. Mammy has been successful at not telling him all week!! Yay! My grandparents live with them, so they will find out tomorrow also. And my bro and SIL and niece and nephew will there for dinner. We bought them shirts that say "I'm going to be a big cousin" so that's gonna be how we tell my bro and SIL. I'll let you know how that goes!!!

I told my mom...and got good news the next day!

So, I know this is kinda late...but I told my mom on Monday. I couldn't take it anymore...I just had to. We are super close and spend a lot of time together and it was killing me not to be able to tell her. So on Monday, after getting the okay from Vince I decided I would go ahead and tell her. We were planning on going to the mall...something we do A LOT. I definitely needed to get a new bra and she was going to help me search. Trust me, this is not an easy adventure. So, anyway, for some reason I was so nervous. hehe. So we get in the car and she says she wants to call my cousin...but I made her feel bad so she wouldn't because I didn't want her on the phone when we got to the mall. We have parking spots next to the handicapped ones that say "FOR EXPECTANT MOTHERS" complete with a stork and a baby. haha. I always say I'm going to park there someday since it's so close to the door when it's so freaking cold! I head down that way with her yelling at me cause she wanted to park near Boscovs and I totally ignored her and turned the other way. haha. So, as I turn into the spot Mammy says, "You can't park here...you're not pregnant" I say, "I'm not?" She says, "No. Wait, you are?" I say, "umm yea!" And that's when she started freaking out and crying saying, "my baby is having a baby!!!" We hugged and cried for a few minutes when I gave her the details of when I found out and getting the blood draws because I was spotting and all that. She thought it was soo cute the way I told her. Since we're mall rats and all. haha. She's very excited and it was so nice to finally tell her.

The next day, Mammy and I took Amanda to get her 2 year old pics. Of course we took Giovanni, too, to get a pic of both of them together. They came soo great! They are adorable. I can't wait to see them with their new little cousin in September! Anyway, while we were there, Renee (doc) called to tell me my last two levels were great so unless I really wanted to, I didn't have to get my blood drawn anymore. I was really happy to hear that. If I didn't have to work, it wouldn't have been a big deal to get the blood drawn just for piece of mind anyway, but I would have had to walk a couple of blocks from work in the freezing cold rainy snowy weather to get it done. So, I had to pass on that! I did, however, schedule my ultrasound for Thursday which will be followed by my first doc appt. I'm very nervous. It still doesn't seem real and it's still early. Hopefully the u/s and appt will make me feel more at ease about everything.